Um, what just happened?  I think my mother's dementia is getting worse OR mother was just having one of her (now) occasional meltdowns.  They used to be daily, but now they are 1-2 times a year.  All because of the last one she threw, I threatened to put her in jail if she did it again (though I should have had her committed that time).  

Anyways, yesterday morning, she was knocking on my bedroom door, yelling about where her 17-year old cat is.  My son and husband and I were watching "The Floor" with Rob Lowe, which is kind of entertaining.  So we paused it and I said "She's most likely in your room."  She said "She's not!  I can't find her!"  I said she could be outside.  She started freaking out, saying she went outside to die.  I said why would she be dying?  She was fine yesterday and wasn't sick.  She screamed that the cat doesn't need to be sick to die!  I was so confused and said yes she does.  Or she needs to be showing signs of dying.  She screams "I can tell!!!  I know she's dying!!!"  I said "Well, I don't know what to tell you.  That makes no sense, but okay."  She went off to go smoke outside and I went into her room and gave it a once over for the cat.  Then my son went into the kitchen and found her on the chair, where she sleeps every damned day, curled up on a pillow.  So I opened the back door and said "YOUR CAT IS WHERE SHE IS EVERY SINGLE DAY!  SHE'S SITTING AT THE TABLE!"  And then I went back to my room.  I could have been nicer about it, but she was screaming at me, as though I was being insane for thinking she was insane.  

So, she came to my room and said "Where on the table is she?" I said "I didn't say on the table, I said at the table.  She's the chair with the pillow, where is she every single day."  Then she went out there, snatched up her cat and brought her to her room.  

The entire thing was so freaking weird, as she's never acted that freaked out about a cat before, not even her favorite cat.  Several years ago, like 5, this same cat was PISSING BLOOD and she said "Oh, she's old, let her die!  It's her time!"  The cat was not old, and when I went to take her to the vet, she had stopped peeing blood.  

I am telling you, her dementia is going to make her totally crazy.  I am sooooo not looking forward to that.  

But now realizing it had to be her dementia, I will be nicer to her when she's freaking out (unless she's getting violent--then I will be calling the police).  It's just that I've been dealing with her giving me this type of behavior for my entire life.  And I used to always be nice to her, and she used to treat me like horrible shit.  So now, I don't have to put up with it anymore, but now it may not even be her fault.  Ugh.  Kind of not fair, right?  Oh well.  I will try to do better next time.  Whether she deserves it or not.  

Oh yeah, I totally forgot what it was like to be my mother's lackey or to be under her spell.  But last night I found an old journal of mine and found my second entry from August 26, 2009: 

The kids started school today, it was my oldest's first day of middle school and nobody called to wish him luck (this was my kid's second year of school, as they were homeschooled up until then).  Not my ex, his father, or even my own mother.  But then again, my mother hasn't called me in days.  And the last time I talked to her I was the one who called her and she acted like I was bothering her.  I know her husband has cancer and they have his two kids in the house, but why all of a sudden leave me by the wayside?  She used to call me constantly, more than once a day (and yes, it annoyed me sometimes).  I guess you don't know what have until it's gone.  Not that she's gone, just busy.  And she has lots of new friends.  You know, I just realized how selfish that sounds.  Why would I want my mom to be alone and dependent on me for company?  I don't know.  I guess it's just that I the one alone now.  And I don't how to deal with that.  But I am determined to this school year.  I won't be like I was last year.  I refuse to be like that again.  

Let's break this down, shall we?  

First of all, my mother was the only person I really talked to, other than people around my mother (like her friends and my uncle) outside of my house.  So when I say I was being "selfish" by wondering why she left me all alone, I meant I was actually alone.  Without my mother in my life, and the people around her, I had nobody when my husband was at work and my kids were at school.  And when I referred to "I won't be like last year", I meant that the previous year I was so bad with my anxiety that I had passive suicidal ideation (meaning I wanted to die, but I did not want to kill myself) and I maybe should have been committed to a facility.  And that was partially because of the way my mother had treated me that year, the kids first year at school, even knowing damn well how bad my anxiety was.  She was doing the same things, but even worse, because when I did go over to her house, she'd complain about me and make fun of me to her husband in front of me.  She'd shame me for being so bad with my anxiety, and her husband would join in.  One way was that back then I was obsessed with having low blood sugar (something I did have from time to time, but I was obsessed with thinking I always had it) and I would go over there and get a piece of bread, put peanut butter on half of it, and fold it over and eat it.  And one time her husband looked at me and said "Don't you ever eat at home?!"  Like taking a half sandwich of peanut butter was putting anyone out.  He also seemed to forget that before him, I was welcome to take whatever I wanted to eat at her house.  Even though I hardly ever did anyways.  

When my mother got with him, a man who I introduced her to (he was my old friend's boyfriend and father of her children--kids who were the same age as mine), she immediately dropped me.  Imagine The Gilmore Girls where if Lorelei got with a boyfriend and all of a sudden stopped talking to Rory.  That was my life (minus the cute fun times between us).  My mother took over every aspect of my life and inserted herself into everything we did, until she made a better friend or, like this time, got a boyfriend.  Then I was ignored, picked on, and she even went as far as to act disgusted when I or my children were around.  My presence was only needed in her life when she needed something from me.  

And there I was, in 2009, living alone across town for the first time in my life, left all alone in a scary three-story house in the ghetto all day long, and my mother could care less.  And I was the one who felt guilty for being upset that she was snubbing me.  

Boy, things sure have come a long way since then.  

So, here I am now, in 2024, on this new path to forgiveness and healing, and I come across this journal entry, reminding me of all the crap she's done to me in the worst possible ways.  

Sigh.  

So, what to do with this information?  How to process it?  

I am reminded of a book called "The Journey" by Brandon Bays which uses a type of hypnotherapy/meditation script to help you with this sort of thing.  As well as the book "The Toltec Path of Recapitulation" by Victor Sanchez which has you write down everyone and everything that's ever happened to you (including jobs, places in your life, etc.) and see which ones have negative feelings attached to them and then work through them also with meditation/hypnotherapy.  I think that using a combination of the two may help here.  And may help with all of this as a whole.  

Not only that, I am studying to be a hypnotherapist, and I think if I started my classes back up, I could not only help myself, but eventually help others in the same way.  But one thing at a time, right?  Let's start here, with my own mother and helping myself forgive her of her issues (with still having boundaries in place with her as she lives with us).  And by "forgive her", I mean "heal myself".  They are interchangeable, as that's the only true way to heal, to release their actions from your heart and soul.  

When I healed myself of my father's abuse in 2012, twelve years after his death, it was because I understood him and forgave him.  But with my mother, it's so different, because even though my dad was a horrible person, I never doubted he loved me, in his own way.  Whereas my mother loves no one.  Her love is control and manipulation.  She's incapable of real love.  And I have to learn to be okay with that.  And I already kind of am.  I just have a hard time dealing with the things she's done to me.  And still does to me.  Though the things she does today are not the same.  Or maybe I am not the same.  Or it's both.  I still have issues with my father, from time to time but I don't live with his words anymore.  I don't live with his past abuse.  Not on a day to day basis.  Though I do live with my mother's past abuse.  And I need to move past that now.  I am not the same person I was when she abused me.  I do not fear her (though I do fear her bothering me).  I am not her daughter anymore.  I call her my mother, but she's really not.  I don't see her as my mother, and realize she never really was.  She's a person who took on the mother role, but never actually figured out how to do it right.  

So, I going to see if I can find some audio for the meditation in "The Journey" so I can work with that.  And, as I am writing this, I am rereading "The Toltec Path of Recapitulation" (although I don't like the idea of doing the mediations in a box...which I have never done).  You can find both books on Everand (the former Scribd).  

I will be still be exploring my spirituality (as I wrote about last time), and last night I started with a list of affirmations from the book "The Lotus and the Lily".  I plan to read them aloud to myself each night  (I will share them here next time).  I also want to start with more meditations, which I have in my "Calm" app that I paid for for a year (a half price sale for New Year's!).  I also want to watch Thich Nhat Hanh's "Walk With Me" again.  I own it on DVD because I love it so much.  It's like mindfulness in motion.  And I want to spend more time in nature.  Like right now, we are enveloped in fog here, and there's snow on the ground and it's almost 40 degrees.  It's gorgeous out!  I want to go out there and sit, but I just saw a possum prowling around by my patio furniture, so I am not sure I want to go out there.  But my entire life has been about nature from as early as I can remember.  I need to spend as much time outside as possible.  

I also need to immerse myself in music again, too.  So much of my life has been misaligned (just like my oracle card told me to look into) and now I realize just far off from my soul's purpose I've become. 

All.  Due.  To.  My.  Mother.  

Well, not all, but literally like 98% of it.  

And I say no more.  Realigning myself back to who I was will help me so much mentally, which in turn will help me physically, too.  

Okay, off to reread my books and I will be sure to share what I learn here.  So maybe if what I say speaks to you, maybe it can help you, too?  

I've been sick since the day after Thanksgiving.  I was sick for two straight weeks around Halloween in 2023, too, but it let up until Thanksgiving.  It's January 25, 2024 now, and I am still dealing with the aftermath of my out of control acid reflux (and every time I take meds for it, my gums itch...it's so weird because they are 3 different classes of medication, so why?? I really hope it's not related and is just an issue with my gums themselves--I see the dentist soon so maybe we can get to the bottom of this).  

But since I've been sick, I've had time to really think and reevaluate my life and what I am doing and how I am living.  And I've come to the conclusion that my life is filled with way too many things.  Things such as: 

• Stress
• Junk
• Anxiety
• Did I mention junk?

Spirituality.  

I had my endoscopy yesterday.  They called me on Tuesday and said "Can you come tomorrow?" I said yes.  I was terrified, but I did it.  And I had to go into the procedure and prep alone, without my husband, and while I was very panicked, it ended up being okay.  I also remember waking up thinking I dreamed about Scooby Doo.  But I am not if you dream under sedation or not.  

They said my throat was great and there were no lesions and while I did have polyps in my stomach, they looked normal and the guy said he had the same ones.  But they did biopsies on them, as well as my small intestine to check for celiac's and also a biopsy or something to check for H. Pylori.  So, everything should come back in a week to see if anything comes up, if not, then I have no idea what to do next.  I am hoping it all just goes away with my new diet, but I can't even get a new diet until I start getting better as I can't eat much of anything and what I can eat, I have to eat every single day.  It's annoying.  

But, I do seem to be getting better in some regards as I can eat more than I used to be able to.  So that's something.  Not only that, smelling food doesn't make me want to puke anymore, now it smells good.  So that's a step in the right direction.  When I can start eating more normal again, I am fully committing to a PBWF diet (plant based whole foods) with a small amount of cheese and/or a small amount of meat once a week.  Considering I am doing well on a similar diet now (though it's highly limited), I think I can do it this time.  There is a great YouTube channel and website called "Well Your World" that I am going to start getting recipes from so I can do this right.  Unlike last time where I got so hungry because I couldn't figure out what to cook.  

On the mother front, she's been off in her own little world, which I don't blame her as she has her own issues to worry about.  I just hate that I have to worry about hers and mine, when I'd rather just concentrate on mine (and my family's).  But the time for a home is coming soon, as she's losing her ability to walk.  But she can still get around for now, so we'll see.  

She's been pushing back on getting away from us after she's been smoking again...I thought we were done with this issue??  But I guess not.  I've also realized she NEVER washes her hands.  Well, soon we'll have a new shower, a new bathroom floor and a new sink.  So there will be no excuse (and I'll have signs posted everywhere to remind her--though that will happen before the sink is put in, because EW!).  

Okay, that's it for now.  I am sure I could write more but that's really all I can think of.  I just want this acid reflux to go away as I feel like everything in my body is burning.  Ugh.  

Have you ever seen that show called "Sister Wives"?  Well, of course you have.  But even if you haven't, I know you've at least heard of it (or maybe you live under a rock?).  It's about four women named Meri, Janelle, Christine, and Robin married to one narcissistic man, Kody Brown.  As of 2024 (after like ten or more seasons), the three earliest wives have all left Kody, only leaving the fourth and final (so far) wife, Robin.  And the world is all blaming Robin for it. 

Yet, I don't get why.  

The show started when Kody started courting Robin and while I've only watched the first few seasons and other episodes here and there (though I've probably seen most of the current season, too), I can safely say that the way the world hates on Robin is just stupid.  I honestly do not believe she's the criminal mastermind they all make her out to be.  It's more like she's a total people pleaser and Kody is the idiot in charge and Robin just does whatever she has to do keep him happy.  And  because of that, they all blame her.  But the thing is, women who grew up fundamentalist religious families, like Robin, are taught to be obedient.  So, why are they all hating on her for being what she was taught to be?

I mean, I can totally relate to Robin's plight (minus marrying a second narcissist), as I was as single mom with young kids when I met my hubby.  And my hubby's entire family thinks I am the reason my husband walked away from them.  They think I am the criminal mastermind, luring my poor defenseless husband into my life to provide for me and our kids (like what they all think Robin did to Kody) and to leave them all behind.  They all think he's too dumb to think for himself and that I am some kind of controlling asshole (neither of which is true), which is how they all see Kody and Robin, too.  It's so stupid and silly because they are all just choosing to ignore the truth.

But if you follow the show you can easily see what's actually going on: Robin is loyal to Kody because Robin is a people pleaser (which is also why she cries a lot), and so Kody dotes on Robin and her kids and treats them better than he does his other kids and wives.  Not because Robin asks him to, but because Kody wants to send a message to the rest of the family: if you are not loyal to me, you are nothing to me.  This is a total narc move, people!  Everything the narcissist does, they do for a specific reason.  EVERYTHING.  And it's either to get what they want, or to make someone feel the way they want them to feel.  He's saying "Do you want to see what happens when you don't bow down to me?  I will reject you and act like you don't matter to me!"  You see this constantly with Kody, as he's always talking shit about his kids on the show (though not Robin's kids) and not showing up to important things for them for his children, letting them all down the way he thinks they let him down.  Which is bullshit, because all the kids did was not do what he asked.  The narcissist cannot deal with not being worshipped, so they will get revenge when they don't feel in control anymore.  And for some reason, they all blame Robin for it.  But the things is, Kody knows exactly what he's doing.  And Robin has no say so in what Kody says or does.  You always see her telling him "Hey, you better patch things up with your other wives!"  Or "You better stop doting on me or else they will all get jealous!"  But that's his plan.  That was always his plan.  The other wives are not obedient anymore, and he only wants obedient wives (and kids), and so he doesn't want to work things out them.  He wants to punish them.  But not outrightly, he wants to make them feel lesser and neglected, the way he feels.  So, he dotes on the obedient wife.  He wants to make sure they feel hurt and horrible before he starts in on the smear campaigns (which he always resorts to, as well).  That way it looks like it was their fault all along.  When in reality, he made them jealous on purpose so he could blame them for being jealous and make it seem like everything is their fault.  

And Kody?  Is at fault for nothing.  

We all thought they were super nice and super sweet and Kody was a great guy when the show started.  But little by little, throughout the years since the show first aired, we could see Kody's "nice guy" mask fall away to show the ugly little permed troll that lay underneath.  And while I haven't seen the pandemic seasons, from what I've heard, that was the straw that broke the camel's back and that's when his facade started to crack and we all started to see the truth.  

But that's the way, isn't it?  Trauma, struggle, hardship: those things do not allow a narcissist to hide anymore and their true selves come out because they can't handle the stress.  But if you notice something: Robin wasn't the one who changed.  Kody was.  Kody broke down and went a tad bit insane.  Mostly because of the fact his kids stopped listening to him, which means to him, they stopped respecting him.  And to a narcissist, respect is everything (as it's a form of control).  And this broke him.  And now he's forever broken and now there's no more Mr. Nice Dad.  He's chosen sides.  And the side he chose was the one who gave him the most amount of respect (meaning letting him control them) that he thought he deserved.  And now the line has been drawn, the gloves are off and he's in battle mode.  I mean, just listen to the things he says about his own children.  It's beyond fucked up.

And Robin isn't the "love of Kody's life" as Christine (wife #3) says.  This is nothing more than than being about obedient and Robin is obedient.  Kody has even said this and the show himself.  He's made a point of saying many times this season that Robin is "loyal and obedient", and if she wasn't, he'd give up on her, too.  Because that's the narcissistic way.  They are loyal to you, until you aren't loyal to them.  Then you're just as much of a piece of dirt as everyone else is.  

So beware Robin.  You are next on Kody's shit list if you step out of line the way the other wives did.  And your kids will be too, if they do the same.  Nobody is safe with narcissist.  Not even Robin or her children, despite what people think.

If you want a primer in true and real NPD, then you need to start watching this show from day one to the current season.  You'll see exactly what manipulation and all the other bullshit that goes along with this look like.  Narcissism is the coping mechanism of a sociopath.  There is no cure.  They were born this way.  And there is nothing you or anyone else can do to change them.  If it wasn't going to be Robin, it would have all happened anyway.  Just another wife would either be the scapegoat, or they all would be.  Kody was always going to fail as a husband and father.  They just all have someone to blame right now.  But maybe one day they'll see that maybe Robin was just an innocent bystander who just actually wanted a big family?  Or maybe I am wrong.  Not about Kody, but Robin, but I don't think I am.  But I need to watch more shows so I can get a better idea.  

But yeah.  Narcissists suck.  Especially when they are the father of like 20+ kids.  Ugh.  

I've not been updating here since my GERD has been out of control and I've not been able to eat too much for the past bit again.  It's better than it was back at the beginning of December when I had food poisoning, but it's still not fun.  And now my medication is causing my gums to itch and the only next thing is an endoscopy and surgery.  Which I am fine with, as long as they can do it asap.  So, I got a new gastro doctor and we're waiting to see what he says to do next.  Hopefully I can get scheduled for the endoscopy ASAP, if not, I will have to see if I can go somewhere out of town.  My town sucks for doctors, as all of ours retired and our state has one of the highest malpractice insurance rates in the country, so no new doctors are coming in.  We need to move (for many reasons).  

So, yeah, I've been too anxious to care about much else and on some days, my anxiety is so out of control that I feel like I am going insane.  Though I'm a bit better with that now, and hopefully it stays that way.  

My mother's dementia is getting worse, so her narcissism seems to be better.  But since I don't listen to her phone calls anymore, I really have no idea if that's true or not.  But then again, I don't care.  Also, I start back up with my therapist today, so I hope that goes well.  I don't really care for her, but we'll see if she's actually helpful with my anxiety.  I hope so.  

I am trying to drink an Ensure (Walgreens brand) and ugh.  Eating anything is hard from all the bloat and stomach burning, especially since I tried to drink it too fast.  I just want to get better and have all of this go away.  

Okay, that's it for now.  So much fun.  Yay.