Yesterday, she didn't speak to me all day.  I assume she was either mad because of my note back to her or because she thought I was mad at her, and she was embarrassed.  I am mad at her.  But not actively.  I am just never not mad at her.  And her past actions just added to the already growing pit of idiocy that draws me further and further away from her.  I find it harder and harder to be cordial to her.  I mean, I am nice, but I no longer joke around with her or use a pleasant tone of voice with her.  Today, she was yakking my ear off because I bought her a bottle of fucking FIFTEEN DOLLAR hand creme and she was ecstatic.  I figured, she paid for it, so what do I care how much it costs?  If I had to pay for it, I would NOT have bought that brand.  But she's particular about her brands and doesn't really ask for much in the way of things like this (other than facial moisturizer, which I refused to buy for her--oh I bought her some, but I bought her the same kind I use, not the FIFTEEN DOLLAR brand she wanted).  So this time I gave in and just did it.  It better last her all winter.  If not, she's getting a cheaper brand next time. 

I don't regret giving her the note.  But I do need to search her room and find it (she has a doc appointment soon, I can do that) and throw it away.  If not, she will hold onto that shit forever.  The year I went no contact with her (2017), I gave her a Mother's Day card and wrote in it what she deserved.  Instead of throwing it away, she put it out with all her other cards and showed every single person who came into her house.  Sigh.  I mean, it was all about how she physically attacked me and I had to call the police on her, and she had ZERO shame about it.  She just wanted people to think I was a jerk...little did she know SHE looked like the abusive jerk by letting people know what she did to me.  So completely insane.  So, that's why I need to find this note and get rid of it, too.  Because who knows what she'll save it for (most likely to re-read for narcissistic supply later on).  But I don't regret writing it, as she deserved to know exactly how little I think of her.  AND she deserves to know exactly how much I know she lies to me.  She lives in her own little world and today has apparently forgotten everything, but I don't care.  It was worth writing her back after what she did.  

Anyways, tomorrow is Halloween and it's calling for snow and freezing temps, so I am GLAD I cancelled outdoor decorating for Halloween (after being sick all month).  I was going to tape off the driveway, but I may not have to.  I just wish it was a weekend so my hubby would be off.  Oh well, I will hopefully get to do stuff with my kids (though they are always busy with their friends, so we'll see).  Mother doesn't really care about Halloween as a holiday, so maybe she'll be good.  We'll see.

I will be making pumpkin bread tomorrow, along with some other type of festive something or other.  I do have pumpkin spiced chai we'll be drinking with our pumpkin bread.  I am going to put on some of those ambient Autumnal videos on the TVs and maybe we can play some sort of board game (we have so many!).  That sounds like fun.  Though my oldest has his weekly D&D game from 12-4, but maybe we'll do some before and some after.  Definitely want to watch 5 Nights at Freddy's with them.  We are ex-pagans who still sometimes celebrate Samhain, and we've lost three dogs this year, so I am going to plan on doing something for them, too (like create a little doggie altar).  

I also started a new book, so much of the day may be spent reading that.  

I hope your Halloween will be fun, even if you can't do anything due to the weather.  

Let's just hope Ye Olde Seahag is a good girl and stays nice.  But she's unpredictable so you never know.  But she has her new lotion, so she should be happy the rest of the week (ha!).  

My mother loves to lie to me.  She loves to say one thing and do another.  She loves to make promises and then go behind my back and break them.  She loves to be nice to my face, and pretend to care about me (though that's even hard for her anymore) and then turn around and immediately talk shit about me.  She's faker than a square circle (I got that from Chat GPT, btw, and I think that will be my new saying LOL).  And yesterday, I caught her in the act.  Again. 

So, back in the day I'd make her dinner and she'd feed over half of it to the cats and dogs.  And she'd go hungry and complain she's hungry.  I was like, I do not buy groceries to feed the pets, lady, this is YOUR dinner!  But she refused. So I removed all animals from her dinnertime.  

Then she got bored and asked to have them back.  

So I said okay.  But I told her, do not feed the dogs.  I normally don't let cats in the room while she eats, but last night one got through my defenses.  She promised she was not feeding my dogs.  And she remarked the other day about how the dogs "only got a little because the dinner was so good".  I said the dogs don't get ANY of her food, to please not feed the dogs.  I had already told her this, and apparently she thought it was okay to do whatever she likes.  Ever since I said that, I've been on her case about not feeding the dogs.  

So, I served her dinner, I said "Don't feed the dogs".  She said "I can't promise I'll remember that."  I said "Of course you will, they are NOT allowed people food."  She said "Why?"  I didn't answer her, as I do not owe her an explanation.  But it's like talking to a fucking brick idiot wall, and unless there is a good reason, in her mind, she never listens to me.  So, I turned on my video camera (something I haven't been doing in a long time).  And there she sat, giving my dogs her food.  

I was on the phone with Christmas, her BFF at the time, as she called to ask me how to clean a coffee pot.  I told her, and saw my mom feeding the dog, and so I went out there and said "Don't feed the dogs."  She smiled her shitty smile and said "Okay!"  I waked back into my room and saw her immediately do it again.  Sigh.  

This time, I stopped being nice.  

"What are you doing???"  She held her hands up as thought she was a criminal being caught by police.  She started laughing and put on her stupid "innocent face".  I yelled "What is WRONG with you??  I told you, you said okay, and you immediately do it again??  Do you not care about anyone but yourself?  I've told you for a long time my dogs are not able to have people food!   It gives then diarrhea!"  It's not a total lie, my dog is having issues with his butt glands, something I've never had a dog have issues with before, but it could be caused by his new food.  She said sorry, in a shitty voice.  I was livid!  Christmas heard me yelling and asked "Oh no, what did your mom do??"  I told her and she started in talking about her own dog having diarrhea, which made for interesting conversation.  I said some more things, like "I can't trust you" and "I can't believe you're like this".  But then I went back into my room and finished my conversation about dog diarrhea with Christmas.  Yay.

We hung up, my mother went to bed, and I went out and found this note: 

"Your right-----I'm Sorry----
I will not feed the dogs
anything---I can't feed the cats
so its only fair
I promise no more feeding---
Sorry Again 💗 Mom"

Notice that the sorry wasn't for anything other than being caught.  She didn't say "I know you already told me, and I didn't realize it was a big deal and I should have, I'm sorry" or something similar.  She just said "I won't do it".  But she already said "I won't do it" and promised me before, yet she still did it.  So, I flipped it over and wrote back: 

"You proved you aren't trustworthy.  I told you to stop, you said okay and did it again.  I cannot trust you.  You only care about what you want to do.  And nothing else.  No more animals during dinner.  Period.  You like lying too much to be trusted again."  

And I meant it.  Like I've said before, she never listens to me.  NEVER.  So, when she doesn't listen, I take away whatever it is she's abusing.  She was abusing the privilege of having my dogs in the kitchen with her during dinner, so that's stops.  All cats, too.  She eats alone from now on.  She brought this on herself.  And the moment I let her do it again, will be the moment she reverts right back to feeding the animals.  

Recently, she went behind my back and paid Christmas to buy her contraband she's not allowed to have.  So, if she brings it up today, I will remind her of how sneaky she thinks she is.  I will remind her that while she's not my child, she acts like she's my shitty little child, because even my own kids didn't act the way she does.  Funny, she used to tell me how sneaky I used to be as a kid.  I wonder where I learned it from?  But she's 76 years old.  Not 6.  She should have learned how not to act like a child by now.  

If the doctor tells her "Don't do this anymore" she will go home do exactly what the doctor tells her not to do, just to prove she can.  She's obstinate and acts like a baby.  

So, no more animals during dinner.  And no more trusting her at all.  She can look me in the face, agree with what I say, then go directly behind my back and do the exact opposite.  That's fucked up.  I can't trust her at all.  Like, ever.  

Here's the issue: there are things I don't care if she does.  I will tell her not to do them, but in reality, if it doesn't hurt anyone, what do I care?  Let her think she's getting away with everything.  I have video cameras.  So I know what she's doing.  But I let it go because in the grand scheme of things, it's not big deal.  Feeding my dogs wouldn't be a big deal if she actually ate her damn food.  Also, I am tired of her their begging.  My one dog is getting bold and stealing food out of your hand now, so I need to stop feeding him any kind of snackies, other than dog snackies.  So, this is a real thing, not giving my dog people food, for many reasons.  The one is hound breed, so he's quite the sniffer and is motivated by all things food (and sniffs).  Which is now motivating him to steal off people's plates and out of their hands.  Which is not okay.  

While I am done with letting her slide on shit, I also don't want this crap to take over my life, either.  I don't want to deal with having to constantly be on edge with her.  I took a break from phone calls entering the house (we were always home, so it was okay, my mom was never left without someone being in the house with her) so I didn't obsess about her talking shit about me behind my back to Christmas.  It has calmed my nervous down quite a bit and now I feel great and don't give two squats about what she says about me.  No more listening to phone calls (for now).  Though I am turning back on the two video cameras that I had turned off, just in case I need to check every now and then.  And I may tell her that, and may hint to the fact there may be a video camera outside, too LOL  That way when Christmas comes over, they know to shut their mouths about me.  

I just may get an actual camera for my front, though.  Just to make sure she's not wandering off, but also to keep our house safe (not just for her).  I have a fake one to put out back LOL  Though it's too cold now for them to outside chatting for too long.  Thank goodness.  

I don't want to catch her in the act of doing bad things anymore, I KNOW she's doing them.  What I want now is to prevent them from happening in the first place.  The act of catching someone, so you can prove they are the person you suspect they are, is hard work.  And it can literally drive you crazy.  So, I've caught her enough times to prove exactly who she is.  I know now.  I don't have to do that anymore.  So I accept she's this untrustworthy, awful person, but now what?  Now, I do whatever I can, meaning not everything possible, but whatever I can give in the moment, to stop it from happening.  But I have to accept it's still going to happen and I cannot care about it anymore.  I don't need to be hurt by her actions if I always expect those same actions from her.  

Remember my mantras?  "She cannot give more than what she is."  Or something like that.  She can't be a good person because she's not one, so I have to stop expecting her to be a good person.  She will never choose right when wrong is so much more exciting for her.  So, it's time to move on.  Let her be the bad person she is and move on with my life.  I cannot control her.  I can minimize the damage she causes, but I can't stop it completely.  So, I have my cameras and that's that.  I will find any contraband she brings into the house with her BFF's help.  And if Christmas ever brings her anything, I will ban her from coming over for a bit.  Like my mother being grounded.  

And that's all I need to do.  

Why do these idiots act so crazy?  I don't get it.  But that's the way it is and that's what I signed up for by moving here.  Sigh.  One day the dementia will get worse and none of this will matter anymore.  Though, things could get very, very bad eventually, but hopefully by then, she will be in a home.  

I do not need more stress in my life.  So when I saw my mother with the broom, dustpan, and her garbage can, I was worried.  No, let's back up.  I woke up to see the light on in the bathroom under my door.  That means the door was open.  I waited to see if the light turned off, and it did not.  So, I let my room and saw my mother in the bathroom, at the exact time my husband and I wake up everyday, in our only working bathroom, cleaning every inch of it.  Well...with a broom.  She wasn't actually "cleaning" anything, she was sweeping.  And hogging the bathroom, knowing damn well get up at that time.  She's up at 3 am, why not clean the  bathroom at 5?  Or some other ungodly hour when we're sleeping?  Nope.  Gotta do it right when Shay and Mr. Brooks are out of bed and need to pee.  

She wants attention, see.  She wants to make a big deal out of what she's doing, and point out exactly what she's doing, so people give her praise.  I never give her praise, as she never gives me praise when I clean anything (she does usually remark on it, in a rude way, though).  She also wanted to annoy us.  Which worked.  So I used the other bathroom.  The one that doesn't work.  And I made it work for a single time use.  She followed me down the hall saying "Oh, it's clear Shay!  You can use it!"  I just took my toothbrush and said "I'm good".  And I stayed in there until I thought she'd left.  Nope.  She was in the kitchen cleaning now.  

Oh no.  

Do you remember last Thanksgiving?  When she got a rageful hair up her ass to "clean" the second bathroom, even though she's not allowed to?  (if you're wondering why she's not allowed, there are so very many, many reasons why)  And then shoved a door into my back after I got home from the ER and I was in excruciating pain?  Yes.  That is why I was having so much anxiety over this. 

So, I took the baby gate and blocked off the bathroom door, hoping she'd get the hint.  

We had to leave to go return my library book, get a sparkly bird for my wreath, and get groceries.  And I said to my husband "Well, I hope she just chooses the right thing here, I can't stop her when I am not home."  And we left.  I didn't even think about it while I was gone, thank goodness.  But when I got home, the bathroom was not swept.  Phew.  

Normally she'll get out a bunch of cleaners and other shit I can't breathe in and fuck up the whole room, but this time, she just choose to do the right thing.  She may not think it's right, and that's okay.  The right thing, in this instance, was to listen to the fact I've told her over and over and over that she's not allowed to clean that room, period, ever.  

My mother has ZERO respect for my choices.  But this time, she didn't do it.  Thank goodness.  

Today is our anniversary.  I assumed she was gearing up, per usual, on a holiday of sort.  But she didn't.  She didn't even remember today is our anniversary.  She has it written on her calendar, along with two weeks ago her BFF's wedding anniversary, too.  She gave them a card (she had me send it) and my hubby and I got nothing from her.  Not even words.  THANK GOODNESS!  I am very glad to not include her on our private day.   I wish she'd always forget, whether it be on accident or on purpose.  Does it bother me?  Yes and no.  Yes, but because it's weird, but no, because that means that's less of a chance of her doing something stupid to ruin it.  

Why can't we have normal parents?  Or normal family members?  Why does everyone have to be so fucking narcissistic?  

Sigh. 

Oh well.  Life deals us what we get and we just have to deal with it.  

Well, happy almost 20th anniversary to my hubby!  At least he, and I, and the kids are semi-normal.  Though we all love each other and that's all that matters.  

Well, crisis averted.  I am glad, for once, she's given up on the whole bathroom thing.  The thing is?  She would go in there to clean it, when her bathroom was fucking filthy, all because I'd tell her not to and she was looking for a fight.  What a childish baby she is.  Well, last year, I threated to call 911 on her and have her committed and be sent to be evaluated for being violent, so I think that got into her brain enough to make her stop that horseshit.  

So, I am glad to see it's still working.  

Yesterday was utterly gorgeous outside.  It was humid and 80 degrees, much too hot in the beginning of the day.  But then the wind came, the temperature dropped, and the humidity stayed.  So me and my kids and a dog went to the park and it was magnificent!  It was so beautiful and wonderful that I just wanted to spin around in the park, not caring if anyone saw me.  But a big huge wind gust came as I was making friends with a 100 year old tree (for real, it's 100 year old maple) and I just closed my eyes and spread my arms out, as though I was flying.  I felt so good.  

But before we left, I had started cleaning my room, and when I came home, even though we walked so much (and I had barely gotten out of been in two weeks), I felt amazing, and so I took on even more cleaning.  And more.  Then, by the end of the night, my body started to realize that I was completely insane and I started to fall apart.  All those magical feeling I was having went right in the toilet and I felt like a garbage dump.  Stupid, stupid me.  And today, I certainly paid for it.  

I finally have a clean(ish) room, but I couldn't get out of bed all day, with extreme fatigue (like sleep attacks) and horrible dizziness and very bad brain fog.  I couldn't make my brain do anything.  I couldn't think right, speak right, or even see right.  This happens to me, when I push myself too hard.  I am not sure if it's a type of migraine with no pain mixed with some POTS issues, or if it's just POTS.  But it was horrible.  

My brain started to clear up, as it usually does, as night fell.  But not completely.  And my mother found me watching TV with headphones on (my son sleeps in the living room, as his room flooded last year)  and bothered me to look at her eye.  

"I'll go see it in the kitchen, there's no light in here." 

"Here, just look."

"I'll go in the kitchen to see where there's light." 

"There's a light right there," she points at my lamp. 

I am VERY light sensitive when I feel like this, and that little light from the Dollar Tree is very bright.  I lied and said it didn't work.  So she gave up and just told me the long, long story about how her cat scratched her eye (not her eyeball, but her lid), even though it was literally a five-second story.  Why is she like this?  Everything that happens to her has to be this HUGE story, rather than just a "Hey, my cat scratched my eyelid!".  It's like, what is she getting out of it?  My attention?  Well, she doesn't have that, as I am usually wandering off in my mind because she takes so long to get to the point.  Usually she'll tell one person, then the next time she retells it, it gets fibbier and bigger and more crazy.  She'll add details, add characters, or add to the temperament of the person or animal doing the thing she's complaining about.  She's a true storyteller.  Granted, her stories are annoying and stupid, but she likes to think she's great at it.  I think she just likes the attention.  Always has.  Always will.  Yay us.

Well, she trotted off to bed after that, after going through my son's things, wandering through his room, even though he was going to bed and wanted her to leave (he didn't say it like that, but she knew).  And now I am left, at 8:13pm, not feeling well enough to make dinner, but my oldest son went to sleep and he's the only person who can drive other than my husband right now (my license is expired...oops!).  So, we can't go get anything.  Sigh.  I can't order delivery, as we live out in the boonies and most places don't deliver here.  And Walmart will, but they never show up on the right day, so I can't count on that.  Even if I order for 1-hour delivery!  I hate our Walmart.  They hire nothing but dumbasses who never deliver things right.  Not sure what to do.  We'll figure out something. 

So, I have to learn to not push myself so hard.  But if I don't do it all at once, it will never get done.  That's how I see it.  And now I have my work desk available to make more handmade journals to sell, so that's an amazing feat (it's not completely "clean", but "available", which means "good enough" in Shay-speak LOL).  But I guess in order to have what I need to function, I have to pay the price.  Which is annoying.  But as long as it doesn't last, I can take a day to rest if that means I get a nice payoff for it.  

I mean, I guess.  I wish I were normal, but I am not, so there it is.  So, here is a picture of my workspace.  It looks insane, but there is literally nowhere else to store any of these things I need to make what I make LOL This is not including my three-drawer cart that's down a bit closer to my door that holds all my other stuff I need, too.  And yes, it's a filter, I do not live in a cartoon and those things don't have faces on them.  But it's to pretend they do, right?  And that blue banana thing on the top?  Is a large gnome dressed in a black cat suit for Halloween from Dollar Tree (my kids keep calling him a "furry" haha).  

And that round thing on the left, that looks like a plate full of stuff is a wreath I'm working on LOL  This app is quite hilarious and makes your mess look like fun!  Yay!  It won't be this messy when I am working, but for now, it's storing stuff I need to put away (like those blue shopping bags where the one has a face on it).  

Well, that was my day today.  I hope tomorrow I'll remember to call the places I need to call and feel better while doing so.  

Yesterday I didn't take any pain relievers until bedtime, so I am on the mend, FINALLY.  Fifteen days after starting with this adenovirus.  Mr. Brooks is getting better.  But today, he gets a migraine!  Yay!  He's just starting to feel better only to be bedridden again.  Sigh.  Not fair, but migraines never are.

The symptoms of adenovirus are very similar to covid-19, so it's easy to believe you have covid (again), which we did and both got tested and we were both negative.  It all started with a sore throat that literally lasted the entire duration.  Like someone stabbing me in my tonsils.  Then there was the deep nasal congestion with postnasal drip that was so horrendous that made my actual throat start hurting.  I could breathe through my nose, but it was constantly in the back of my nose near my throat.  Then it moved into my sinuses.  Also the constant sneezing (though that could be a "me" thing, as I am a ridiculous sneezer, even when I am healthy).  But mostly it was the coughing.  The bronchial spasms.  I had them all two weeks and today, now that I am a LOT better, I realize I have a pulled muscle in the back of my throat from coughing so much, and it hurts so freaking bad.  And my nasal passages were so dry my nose would bleed.  But eventually then my nose would start running and would get stuffed up.  Then came the headache, which I think may have been a migraine that lasted for days (as I had a sore spot on the back of my head where it hurt, which can happen after a migraine).  I wasn't tired though.  Which I found strange, as I eventually was getting almost no sleep at night, due to my post nasal drip that was so bad that it triggered me into all night pharyngeal spasms (where your throat closes and shuts off to prevent you from drowning).  That was the absolute worst part of it all.  Feeling like I'd never get sleep again.  I did stay up almost 24 hours one night due to to this.  I still have this issue a little bit.  Then came the conjunctivitis.  For some reason the conjunctivitis, both times we've gotten this bad adenovirus (though this one wasn't as bad as last time), came at the end of the sickness.  Viral conjunctivitis isn't like bacterial conjunctivitis.  It can't be treated with any sort of antibiotic cream or anything (but is highly contagious) and doesn't always have that red bump you get on the lash line.  The last time I got this from adenovirus it was pretty bad.  This time was very minor.  

Gross, I know.  But I want a record of this so if I ever get it again, I can look back at my symptoms and realize I've been through it before.  It helps my anxiety.  Of course, my mother fawned over my husband being sick, grilling us on him going to the doctor, but never ONCE said a fucking word about me being sick.  Even though my bronchial spasms were insane I couldn't catch my breath when coughing...she heard me.  She knew I was sick.  But see, she wanted me to know that she didn't care.  Well, point taken, Seahag.  I mean, I already knew this, but now that my hubby and I were sick together at the same time, she really showed her true colors the way she worried so much about my husband and never said a word about me being sick to either me or anyone else for that matter.  Once again, she's in the running for Mother of the Year award.  

So, we decided, due to being sick for half of the month with only ONE WEEK LEFT OF OUR FAVORITE MONTH, we're cancelling Halloween.  We are BIG Halloween people and really went all out last year with a project and everything, but I cannot and will not force myself to do a bunch of work, only to have to take it down a week later.  I don't even know if I could do it anyways, as I get winded when I walk around too much.  Fucking annoying, but it is what it is, and we'll do Halloween better next year.  

Now I just have to bring the candy back.  If I could only find my receipt.  

Instead, I am going to work on my Halloween village (it's very small) that I am going to make.  I've got everything I need, and I watched a bunch of YouTube videos on it, so I have some new ideas.  So, I just have to find a place to work on it (oooh my garage!), and it will be fun.  That way I get to participate in the season, without having to do any manual labor (just creative labor, which I prefer).  I will post pictures on here as I go.  

I had to take Tylenol today because of that pulled muscle in my throat, as it hurts, but not because I feel sick enough to need it.  Thank goodness.  Hopefully this pain will go away soon, and we'll start to get our strength back, and we'll be able to participate in autumnal activities (like the apple orchard--I want to pet goats!).  

Okay, we'll my kids are doing their WWII reenacting (they do it every weekend), my hubby is sleeping with his migraine, my dogs are napping, and the Seahag is seahagging it up somewhere.  So I am on my own.  Do I want to read outside?  Or do I want to clean?  Well, I think I'll do both.  Though cleaning means the Seahag will eventually find me and bother me, so that's fun.  But I've been sick for two fucking weeks and I haven't been able to do much of anything, so I know we need cleaning done.  I did do a little yesterday, so maybe I'll just do smaller bits today, too.  If I push myself, I'll feel wiped and horrible, and that's not what I want for my Sunday Funday.  

Okay, so a little big of organization.  A little bit of cleaning off the kitchen table area (we live out in the country so there's bags of things to burn--I can do one instead of all of them).  Clean out my son's laundry basket I stole for nefarious purposes and give it back to him.  And then set up a table in the garage to get started on my spooky village!  My neighbor sold me these little clay houses I'm going to use for it.  Then I can read later.  I'm on the last book of a series I'm reading.  Oh!  I will listen to an audiobook while I paint the houses!  Yes.  That way I can smell two birds with one nose (it's better than killing them, right? what kind of psycho throws stones at birds?).  Speaking of birds, I want to make friends with a crow.  Not sure how I will accomplish that, like ever, but that's not for today to worry about.  That's project for another time.  Today I have another things to do.  Let's see how much I get done. 

We don't have covid, but whatever this upper respiratory infection is, it's really annoying.  We've been sick since October 6th!!  It's been 9 days!  This isn't fun at all.  Mr. Brooks took yesterday off of work again so we could both go to the immediate care.  And the lady was kind of crazy.  What it is with crazy doctors who work at the immediate care places??  We've had so many!  She diagnosed with me with a "slight heart murmur", which is crazy because I just saw my heart doctor in August and had a heart monitor in June.  But I called my heart doctor just to be safe and see what's up. 

Well, today I woke up not feeling like actual balls, like I did yesterday.  So, that's something.  I also started to feel WAY better yesterday during the day, too, which was great.  Let's hope today goes well, too.  

I am heading out to the home store in a minute to go pick up a shed for our backyard.  And some other stuff I need.  I just need Mr. Brooks to wake up so we can go.  

I hope we're both heading towards wellness soon, too.  As this sickness is just awful.  Ugh.  My throat hurts and I'm still coughing with bouts of coughing fits and Mr. B. is just all around sick still.  I just want us both to be healthy again.  I bought him N95 masks for work so maybe that will stop him from getting more goddamned sicknesses from there, which is where we got this one and covid last year.  

I just want this be done with.  I want to be healthy again.  Ugh. 

My youngest's birthday was yesterday.  It was boring, as my husband and I are still sick (we don't have covid, but it sure feels like it considering it's been over a week now and how bad we feel).  Which made me feel so guilty.  But my son had fun with his brother and their friends.  It was quite hilarious to hear a bunch of dudes singing Happy Birthday to my son all together, without any prompting from anyone LOL  It's been so long since he's had a group of friends to spend his birthday with.  I am so happy they found these guys (the last bunch--who were my oldest's friends that my youngest sometimes hung out with--were freaking awful and I hope they all get arrested at some point in their lives--and they will, no doubt).  These new group of guys (and a girl) are very cool and all have a lot in common.  And unlike the last group, they aren't toxic and evil (one of those little shits from the old group called my father-in-law and pretended to be my oldest son and said he was in the hospital and dying after a car accident!).  

My youngest son has severe social anxiety and these guys have been my oldest son's friends for about a year (or possibly more) and after them all prodding my youngest for, well, mostly the entire time, he finally relented and started doing stuff with them.  And now they're all friends and he even hangs out with them alone, without his brother.  I think that's so cool and I could not be happier.  And I am so happy he had fun with them on his birthday!  It made me feel good to know that us being sick didn't ruin it for him.

My mother, on the other hand, has been hyper and demanding and bringing up shit I thought we had curbed her of, but I guess not.  And yes, she did bring up the fact that she didn't get any scratch tickets on my son's birthday, just like I predicted she would, and it was right in front of my son as he was opening his card with the tickets in it (and he did win $25, making a $5 profit, though!).  How more selfish can you get? 

First of all, she's been babbling again lately.  Which if fine.  It's been raining here for a FREAKING WEEK and she's not been able to play outside, which she normally does daily.  So she's bored, and annoying.  But man, do I enjoy the silence when she's busy doing something other than talking to me.  Because talking to me doesn't mean just "talking" to me.  It means badgering me about dumb things as well as coming up with lots of various silly ideas.  

She even asked to have her own Echo Dot (she asked for an Alexa, as that's what she thinks they're called).  I didn't say no, but she can't even work her own TV anymore.  How on earth would she figure that out?  Alexa about 80% of the time doesn't listen to me.  So, if the same happened to my mom, she'd be at my door giving me it back to get rid of (because the minute something doesn't work, she gets angry at it and throws it away).  Also, she has a CD player right on her nightstand and has her BFF bring over CDs to listen to.  Does she listen to them?  Nope.  She doesn't like music.  So why does she need or want an Echo Dot?  Sigh. 

Then, like I said, she asked why she didn't get any scratch lottery tickets for my son's birthday.  I, again, didn't answer her.  Oh wait, never mind, yes I did.  I said "I wonder why that is?"  She kept feigning ignorance in a silly way, showing me she KNOWS why she's not allowed to have lottery tickets anymore (as she used the cash from her last ones to go behind my back and ask her BFF to buy pet supplies for her that she's not allowed to have).  I just ignored her after that and walked away.

Then she badgered me about my husband being sick, pretending she was worried about him, which she wasn't (as she never actually worries about anyone) and kept getting on my case about him seeing a doctor, which he already had.  She had already asked him twice to go to the doctor, and then came and bothered me about it.  My husband told her he already had went, but whatever is stuck in her fucking hearing sockets caused her to either not hear him or not believe him, and she then came and bothered me about it.  When I told her he already went, she kept asking what doctor, where it was it at, what day did he go, etc.  What the fuck?  A) noneyabusiness and b) whydoyoufucking care?  Know what?  I was sick all week too, but did she say ONE WORD about that?  Nope.  Only about him.  Showing me, once again, that he matters more to her than I do.  Like I care LOL  The only reasons it bothers me are that a) it's fake and b) it makes him horribly uncomfortable because we know it's all fake concern.  

Then today, after standing at my door and screaming my name a bunch of times and then badgering me about cigarettes, and god knows what else, she asked me to do the dishes.  Not me to do them, her.  She asked if SHE could do the dishes.  

What the holy goddamned hell is going on here? 

If you're new to my blog, know that I stopped allowing my mother to do the dishes over a year ago due a myriad of reasons.  Here they are:

1. She doesn't clean them right.  They are always filthy when she's done.  Some I swear she puts back in the cabinet dirty without washing them at all.  And when I'd bring that up, she'd act all sneaky about it, like smiling and saying "Oh, really?"  You know she did it on purpose to make us mad.
2. One time, she pulled the fucking dirty dish cleaners (I used luffa at the time) OUT OF THE GARBAGE to use on the dishes.  She denies it, but nobody else did it, so I know it was her (nobody else did the dishes at the time, and nobody else would ever in a million years yank them out of the garbage to use).  How fucking sick is that???  I shudder just thinking about how dirty our dishes must have been whenever she cleaned them!!  Oh, she always wants to clean my stove, too and I found out she was using the SAME BRUSH on it as she uses to clean her toilet!!!!  WHAT THE FUCK??!   Yuck yuck yuck yuck!!
3. If I give in and let her do them one time (which makes me giggle, as read #1 and #2 as to why that would never EVER happen), she will then think she can do them every single day from now until forever.  That's how my mom is: give an inch and she won't just take a mile, she'll take the entire fucking world.  
4. And lastly, but not leastly (and definitely most importantly) she acts like an irate lunatic when she does the dishes.  Or really when she does anything.  Like cook holiday dinners or cook any meals or clean rooms or vacuum or really anything at all.  She will yell and scream and blame and use the act of whatever she is doing to bash, accuse, and abuse everyone around her, but mostly my oldest son.  See, my oldest son is her scapegoat in the this house.  I used to be public enemy #1 to her, and my son was #2, but now she can't be mean to me to my face anymore, so she uses my son for this.  Who ignores her.  But she's been better with that, too.  BUT, if I give her back an ounce of power?  Sigh.  We all better watch out because all this rage she's been holding in for the past year (a year ago she had a breakdown and physically assaulted me) will come out and she will let it all loose.  So no, she's never doing my dishes, making us a meal, baking holiday cookies/bars, cleaning areas that are not hers, or having any kind of power over us, whatsoever, ever, ever, EVER AGAIN.  You'd think dishes would be a safe activity for someone to do.  But not my mother.  It's just another excuse to gain control over us.

Today Christmas called my phone to see if she could come over today (even though I've told her twice recently to call one to two business days before she wants to come over so I can prepare).  But today when she called I was sleeping.  My hubby is super sick, like gross sick.  Reminds me of how bad we felt with covid (yet we don't have covid).  I am getting over being sick, though I was never as bad as him.  He's awful.  He was even off of work for almost the entire week because of it.  He's back today, but really shouldn't be.  

I didn't answer the phone.  She left a message about asking to come over and said she was going shopping and would call me back afterwards.  I called her back and left the message that we're all sick and she can't come over and to call me back if she wanted to.  Instead, she called my mother back, but my mother didn't answer.  I honestly wonder if she was calling to ask my mom if I was lying (though you could hear on the phone how sick we are--unless she thought I was faking).  She didn't call me back and tomorrow is my youngest son's birthday, so she's not coming over this weekend.  If she has an ounce of brains she wouldn't ask again for a week, knowing I said we're really sick.  But she's an idiot so how much you want to bet she will ask again tomorrow?  

Anyways, mother has been acting up all week because it's someone's birthday.  Remember when I posted about how she wanted to show me something she wanted to buy my son (with the added "Well, I want to get something, too, from there")?  She never asked me again about it.  Then she asked my husband to take her to the gas station to get her scratch tickets for him on Wednesday after her food doctor appointment.  He said no, as this is something I knew she'd do and warned him against.  She doesn't want to just buy him tickets, she wants to buy herself tickets, too.  Like always.  Buying other people items means buying herself items.  I would love to be able to let her go shopping, but she's literally insane with money.

Although, this Christmas (the holiday, not her BFF), I will buy her all new shirts.  I will clean out her closet, get rid of her ratty old crap and fill it with new cute things.  Now, I know she loves to shop.  But she shops like she's a millionaire with no budget.  If I bring her to Walgreens, the resale shop, or Family Dollar or even the gas station, she will spend at least $100.  Back when I first took over her money, she said "I need spending money each month!"  I said "Okay, but your cigarettes are included in that.  I will give you $50 extra."  She said "OH MY GOD!  I NEED AT LEAST $200!!"  And I laughed and laughed and laughed and she literally could not fathom why I thought that was insane.  She had to pay rent, half of the utilities, her car payment, her phone payment, her car insurance payment, her life insurance, and other payments to pay each month.  Also, I had an account set up that we both contributed to so we could pay for house repairs (that I forced on her, she didn't want to do it).  She doesn't make that much money so the idea she could just run around spending $200 on random bullshit every single month (she's a hoarder) was just nuts.  She doesn't even have hobbies, so what was she spending that money on before?  Oh I know!  She wasn't paying her fucking bills!  She lost her life insurance AND her car insurance due to this spending habit, and then her car was totaled.  Do you think she just gave up?  HA!  She ran out and bought a new car without telling me.  Which the bank has back at this time.  She couldn't even pay her car insurance, but then went and got a new car loan??  What the hell was wrong with her?

What is it with these narcissistic old people and making poor decisions?  Oh wait, they've always made poor decisions!  So, how is it that they live so damn long??  If I had made the kind of terrible decisions that my parents did/do all their lives?  I'd have gotten myself maimed or fallen off a cliff a long time ago.  I mean, I live so carefully so stupid things don't happen to me.  And yet here is the fourth stooge doing all sorts of crazy shit (not today, but before) like drunk driving, dementia driving, standing on one leg on a wobbly old chair, using rickety old stairs when she has poor balance, etc. and she's barely ever even hurt herself.  Okay, so never mind the physical repercussions, what about legal ones?  My mother STOLE money from the government and all she got was a slap on the wrist.  Sigh.  

Well, I used to know a terrible narcissist who was evading police because he had a warrant out on him for whatever it was he caught doing at the time (and he had done so many terrible and illegal things), so I called up his parole officer and told them where to find him and he got arrested.  So, while he was only one narcissist getting what he deserved, at least I got to be the one who turned him in.  Which was pretty sweet seeing his mugshot the very next day appear online.  My family and I laughed and laughed and laughed.  And I still laugh about it to this day. 

Christmas, my mother's BFF, on the other hand, certainly has dementia and should NOT be driving.  When I mentioned this to her she got angry and told my mother I told her not to come over anymore.  Which I did not say.  I politely told her to be evaluated by a doctor before driving again (she had had a dizzy spell while in the car recently).  And she's still driving and never told her doctor about any of it.  Sigh.  

I just can't with these people.  I literally can't.  I just want to move away, put my mother in assisted living and be done with her and her BFF and any of her other friends that sometimes stop by.  I want peace.  But I know, to just tough it out and make the best of what's to come as best I can.  It's irritating and annoying and stupid.  But one day it will be better.  Until then, I will just bitch about her on this blog and be grateful for everything else I have right now, besides Ye Olde Seahag, better known across the demon dimensions as YOS.  I think she may be their queen.  

I just want Christmas to stop bothering with my mom.  She needs a new BFF and she needs to go away.  I am finding that I honestly hate this woman so very much due to the fact that I've realized just how much shit she instigates between me and my mom.  I used to think she was my friend.  That she had my back and was on my side or at least understood.  When the truth is, she understands nothing.  

"Hey Shay," she asks, in the dark hallway, squinting through what appears to be pain as she hobbles down the hall.  "If you're heading out, can you find me something I can put on my calluses on my feet?"  

I replied "Sure.  I do think we may have something already, but I am going to Aldi, and I am not sure if they have that.  But I will look."  I knew we had something already that would work, but I wasn't sure what or if we had any left.  

They didn't have anything at Aldi.  So I looked in the bathroom closet and I found bunion pads.  They aren't exactly what she needed, but it would work.  So I went into her room and said "Here, this is what we have.  I know they aren't exactly what you were looking for but they'll work until we get something else."  I am so confused, as her foot doctor appointment was on Wednesday.  It's Friday.  She's in so much pain, apparently, but didn't tell her stupid doctor to remove it??  Sigh.  

Can you guess what she did next?  If you have a narc parent or been reading my blogs for any amount of time, then you'll probably be able to guess.  She looked at the brand new package, squinted and started to complain.  I cut her off really loudly and said "THEY WILL WORK. YOU ARE WELCOME."  Then I shut the door and left, with her saying whatever she was backtracking to say out of my earshot.  

I am so tired of nothing I do being good enough for her.  She's such a fucking complainer.  Back in the day, that was me.  I learned it from her.  I got better when I realized what I was doing.  And I keep very aware of my responses so that I don't backslide into acting like that again.  Now, when I did it, I never once meant it negative to the person doing the thing.  I was just a complainer.  So, I am going to take it that way with her, too.  It's not personal.  She complains about everything.  It's not me, even if she wants me to think it is.  It's her.  It's all her.  It's always been her.  And always will be.  I am not at fault for never being good enough in her eyes.  Nothing is good enough for her.  She's a miserable person who loves to complain.  End of story.

And she can stick those bunion pads up her ass if she wants to.  I just can't believe she didn't tell the fucking foot doctor to remove it when she was there.  What a fucking knob.  

I will call him and remake another appointment so she'll shut up about it.  I know it hurts.  I am not bashing her for being in pain.  But I'm not going to tolerate listening to her bitch at me about something I try to do for her.  

The end.  

"Hey Shay!  I have to tell you this.  Come here, come here!  Want to hear something funny?  I was out back today and your dog was running around the yard like he always does.  I was reading my book, so I wasn't paying too much attention, but then I looked up.  And did you know what I saw?  Your dog was floating!  The grass is so long that I couldn't even see his legs and he was floating across the grass!  Now you can't mow it because this is so much fun for me to watch!"  She told me this story approximately ten minutes after relaying the same exact story to my husband.  

This is how she bitches that the grass is too long.  To the untrained eye, it seems like a funny story.  But if you know her at all, you'd know this is how she bitches without getting into trouble.  She used to grouchy bitch every single day.  I yelled at her enough that she's stopped now, so instead, this is how she complains.  But then again, she's always complained like this, just in between the grouchy bitching.  She thinks it's "cute".  But we all can see right through her games. 

I guarantee you that the only reason she even said anything was because she heard me mowing the front yard.  She knew it wasn't my husband, because he was washing the dishes when she went out to smoke out back and heard the mower going (and I could even smell her disgusting smoke out front).  And she always has some kind of issue when someone else does chores around the house, especially outdoor chores.  She's so freaking weird about stuff.  

Anyways, that's my story for the day.  And that's how my mother lets you know that she thinks the grass is too long.  Or whatever else she wants to bitch that day.  It's always some convoluted storyline (I trimmed it down because I couldn't remember all what she had said) that goes on and on and on until she gets to the point.  It's also how she asks for something she wants, too.  It's so annoying.  When she does this when she's asking for something, I always say "Please get to the point.  I know you want something."  And she always does.  

Now I don't want to mow just to annoy her LOL  But I know that will just end up with her bitching to Christmas about how lazy we are (we have our reasons for not mowing lately, but narcs never think of that, they want to accuse you of being not good enough in their eyes).  

Oh and she did something else stupid today.  She raked up some crap and threw it in the middle of the yard.  I law down boxes as weed barriers in the places with no grass and they decompose and disintegrate.  She knows this.  But she raked up my cardboard and tossed it in the middle of the yard, as though I could mow over it.  Knowing that I can't, I can only assume she left it there for me to clean up.  So I did.  I raked that shit right back where she got it from.  So there.  My mother loves to get bored and "clean" things that don't need to be cleaned.  Fuck the stuff that actually needs cleaning!  Nope, she wants to clean things that have NO reason to be cleaned.  Inside the house and out.  So freaking annoying.  

Okay, off to clean the kitchen windows before she tries to do it.  Sigh.  

The woman on it has ZERO idea of what narcissism is.  I feel bad for her, but the documentary was so freaking annoying because of her total ignorance on the subject that I had to not watch another episode.  The documentary is called "Betrayal: The Perfect Husband" on Hulu, which tells the story of Spencer Herron.  

The story is about how this woman dates this PERFECT guy all throughout college, then decides, when he leaves college and she has a year left in school, to just dump him so she didn't have to be tied down during her senior year.  My husband said "If he's so perfect, why did she dump him?"  And I had to think about it.  Because I did the same thing when I was 17.  I pined after this boy from age 4 until I was 17.  Then I got him as a boyfriend, finally, and then three months later, when he went away to college, I dumped him.  I said "maybe we can get back together when we're older?".  He said no, and acted like I hurt him so badly.  I felt horrible, but something inside of me told me to do that.  And I realized, I dumped him because there were red flags all over the damn place, so much so that I didn't want to be his girlfriend anymore.  The day he left for college, I literally broke down and cried harder that I ever had (and have to this day) in my entire life (except until I had an acquaintance commit suicide about 10 years ago).  I mean, I was literally on the floor weeping that the love of my life was going away and I'd not see him again for a very long time.  But here's the funny part, now that I remember it clearly, I stopped crying after about 5-10 minutes and never cried for him again.  In fact, I wasn't even sad anymore after I stopped crying.  

I cried the day he left for the airport, and then a month went by and I dumped him.  It's like I was seeing clearly for the first time since that summer had started and realized the truth: I did not love him and he did not love me.  I was just addicted to the idea of loving him.  I addicted to the idea he was perfect.  But when I actually dated him the summer of my junior year in high school, I saw that this guy, who I had built up in my mind for more than ten years, was not at all like the guy in my head.  Like, at all.  He was kind of a dick.  I remember thinking that back then.  But looking back, I realize it was more than kind of a dick, he was the total dick package: he was bossy, controlling, rude, and made me wait for him for HOURS to come over, even though he lived two houses away from me.  He also told me what to wear and how to wear my hair.  He was in control of everything in our relationship.  He even talked shit about my friends acting like "they were in high school".  I said "Excuse me, they ARE in high school!"  Which annoyed him even more.  

He was one of those "starving artist" types.  He thought he was so creative and so cool and so above everyone else around him.  He didn't even bother to pretend to be anything else, that's how sure of himself he was.  But I had loved him all my life, so I was bound and determined to make him better, and more like the guy in my head.  Funny though, looking back, I can clearly see he was always that guy.  He never once pretended he wasn't, not even when he was seven when I met him.  He was an overt narcissist, which is what you call someone who doesn't hide their narcissism and pretend to be nice.  They just are so rude, that we think to ourselves "Wow, that person is so sure of themselves!  I need to be in the orbit of that person!!"

Unlike Spencer Herron, who was a covert, bordering on a psychopath, narcissist, who she found again years later after graduating college and started dating him again, eventually marrying him.  But both the lady on the show and I, were smitten by these idiots.  We were duped into thinking that this type of behavior is a signal that they were worth our time.  Granted, my ex didn't pretend to be nice to me.  Which is a red flag.  But Spencer not only pretended to be nice to her, he lavished her with attention.  Which is another red flag.  He left her a post it note every single day professing his love for her.  That's not normal (meanwhile, I couldn't get my ex to return a phone call).  When you look at someone who's trying to hard (or not hard enough) know that they are sending you a sign.  The sign reads "I am covering up something.  Deep down, I am empty, and this behavior shows you that."  Too much or too little, both are signs of deeply fucked up narcissists.  And I mean, WAY too much or WAY too little, the more (or less) they show affection?  The more empty they are.  

And the scary part is she honestly believes, to this day, he loved her.  She thinks all those love notes, all that attention he lavished on her, that something just went wrong and he fucked a student of his and got into trouble for it.  I honestly feel so bad for her.  To not "get it".  To still be in that narcissistic fog.  That means she can easily fall back into it again with the next guy (or with a friend or coworker, etc.) if she doesn't start to wise up and see it for what it was.  

The truth is, he didn't love her.  Sure, I think that narcissists think they're in love.   Or at least they're trying to be.  They can't actually feel love, so they attempt to mimic it.  And some, like the idiot this guy is, tried too hard.  He tried to pretend to love her.  He tried hard maybe because he wanted to love her.  Or maybe he wanted someone to keep him warm on cold nights after a night of constant cheating.  But he pushed so hard, maybe thinking if he did, she wouldn't ask questions about his antics outside of the home, that's so easy to see what he was doing the whole time.  But she didn't see it.  Because she didn't want to see it.  She wanted it to be real.  She wanted him to love her.  She wanted the love story to be true.  Maybe she didn't want it to be failure, or maybe she didn't want to see how much time she wasted on him, I don't know.  But he didn't love her.  He never loved her.  And I know this, because narcissists (aka sociopaths/psychopaths) cannot love.  They are incapable.  They don't have whatever hormone needs to be secreted in order to understand how love works.  They may love you in the moment, but the moment that moment is gone, so is the feeling of love.  That's not actual love.  That's the love of a wind-up toy that once it winds down, the energy is gone they are left with nothing.  

Sounds sad, I know.  Which why they can turn their feelings about those they love or their friends on and off at will.  All it takes is for them to walk away from you, the person they just professed their undying love to, to go and stab you in the back.  

I sound jaded, but I am not.  That's actually how it is.  My mother can slap a smile on her face and have a great conversation with me and then turn around and tell her BFF what a piece of shit I am.  Nothing is real with them.  Not even their hate.  

So, the documentary is three episodes, but I had to stop after one, because I could not watch a woman not realize her husband is a raging narcissist, which I would say could be diagnosed as a psychopath (he's a planner!) and then still believe it was all real.  The loving her part.  None if it was real.  But if it helps her to sleep at night to pretend it was, then fine by me.  I just don't have to watch it.  I mean, the title says it all.  I would say that it's facetious, but the word "betrayal" really gets me, as she was never betrayed.  The signs were so freaking obvious she should have stayed away from him after college.  Granted, I did the same thing...I went after that same ex after I became an adult and still pined after him after breaking up ten years prior.  But when things fell apart on us the second time, it was because I realized what a fucking lunatic he was.  Still pulling the same old tricks on me and still being a dick.  

I was smart enough to run away and stay away.  I only wish this lady had, too.  But if it hadn't been her, it would have been some other unsuspecting woman dealing with his bullshit.  

Yuck.  I don't understand why NPD exists and I hope one day they find a cure for it.  But until then, please learn your red flags, ladies and gents.  Because if you don't, you too will feel "betrayed" one day by one jerk or another.  Watch the show and know that whatever this guy does?  It's a red flag, screaming out "Please don't date me! I am horrible!".  That will help get you started.  Okay, rant over.

So, my birthmother moved from eight hundred miles away from me to one-hundred thirty-three miles away from me, back to her hometown.  She moved that far away from her family to begin with because they're all insane and her mother is a narcissist who was at fault for not only me being put up for adoption, but also for me not being adopted out at birth to begin with.  Granted, I think my birthmother was very neglectful of me as a baby, and I think that's why, when she tried to move out of her mother's house her mother told her that she could leave, but she'd have to leave me behind (which is how I ended up being given up for adoption at six months old).  

So, eight hundred miles away, and I've visited her once in all of these twenty years I've known her.  And I like it that way.  Things got weird with her at the end of our weeklong visit and I was never in a hurry to ever go back (although, where she lived was magnificent--in the mountains on a stream).  I will tell you one thing: I've had people stay at my house for week before and never once did I ever get shitty with them over anything, ever, especially if the guest is courteous and kind, like I am (not tooting my own horn, but I try to be best guest I can be whenever we stay with people).  And after about five days, she got short and rude and demanding and I vowed never to stay with her ever again.  It didn't make me angry, but I just realized she's a terrible host.  

Anyways, now she wants to hang out.  Oh yay.  

Here's my issue: for all of lockdown she didn't message or call me once to check on my family.  Not a single time.  Now, I have my own mother, my two kids, my husband, and at the time, five dogs and god knows how many cats to deal with all that time.  I also have severe anxiety and we were all just trying to keep our heads above water.  B doesn't have any of that.  She has herself and a dog and cat.  That's it.  And yes, the phone works both ways, BUT I am usually the person who messages her first.  And I wanted to see if she'd give enough of a shit about my family to check on us.  And she did not. 

I am not only the person who messages her first, but I am also the one who religiously sends her and her mother Christmas and birthday cards each year.  If I don't send them, I don't get them.  Now, my grandmother is old and senile, so I get it.  She send me Christmas and birthday gifts and cards every single year of my life for my entire life (it was a part of the deal made with the courts when I was handed over to the adoption agency).  Do you think any of those years my birthmother ever snuck in a gift for me?  Even if it was something tiny or whatever?  Even if I had no idea it was from her until I was an adult?  A normal person would, at least eventually, be filled with regret or sorrow they gave up their baby.  A normal person would tell their birthchild it was hard for them to give them up.  Not my birthmother.  She doesn't even remember my birthday most of the time.  She even forgot my fortieth.  And when she gave me a letter, back in the day, explaining the hows and whys I was given up, it a heartless and cold letter, stating just facts and bragging about her wonderful life living on a boat and whatnot after giving me away to strangers.  

Not only does she show zero emotion for me or what happened to me, she also never has once said "God, I am so sorry you had and have such a hard life, living with all that abuse growing up.  If I had known you'd be given to such terrible people I would have kept you or done a private adoption with people I knew better."  Or something of the sort.  But nope.  When I talk about my abuse, she acts like it's no big deal because I am an adult and it's over now.  Also, she acts like she likes my mother, even though she's never met her and even though she knows much she's abused me.  If I gave up my child for adoption as a young girl and found out their adoptive parents abused them?  I would be on a rampage!  I would tell my child to come live with me and to get away from their abuser(s)!  

But see, I am full of love.  I have so much love inside of me that it spills out into the world (which is how I ended up with five dogs at the same time, twice).  I am full of empathy and sympathy and kindness.  Sure, I can be irritable and shitty at times, but that's not who I am.  That's who my anxiety makes me be in certain moments.  But predominantly, I am kind and loving and caring.  Something neither of my mothers are.  Especially not to me.  And whether the reason is narcissism or not, it's still just as damaging whatever the reason behind their actions are.  One may be malicious and one not, but neglect and ignoring me doesn't feel any different when you're the person getting neglected and ignored.  And plus being told "I don't have connections with other humans, only animals."  Yay me.  What in the hell am I supposed to do with that information?

Is my birthmother a narcissist?  I have no idea.  But I do know she's self-centered, self-absorbed, and doesn't really think about anyone else other than herself.  And yes, she has ASD, which is what I think is the actual core of her issues, but I honestly don't have time for that in my life (also, her family is FULL of NPD, so who knows if she's a little bit narcissistic?).  And I don't care if there's a good explanation for her non-love for me.  It still doesn't change the fact she really doesn't know me, care about me, or love me.  And never has.  

She can go years without talking to me.  Only to message me on my phone out of the blue with some pictures of some fabulous place she's visiting, as though I'd know what the pictures are.  Which is a hallmark of certain types of ASD (my sister-in-law is the same way), but it's still weird and insensitive.  

Not only has all of this been on my mind, then you throw in the fact that I recently have come to realize that adoptions is NOT the happy little end to a story that we all were told it was.  That adoption, no matter what kind of family you are adopted into, is trauma, period.  But then you add in the fact that I was adopted into an abusive family and so let's just keep adding to the trauma.  

This past season or two, I've really been working out how I feel about my adoption and what it means to me to be adopted.  And that's partially why I blocked my birthmother on social media.  I didn't want to hurt her feelings.  

Here's the thing (another thing): she so badly didn't want her mother to raise me, the only family I ever knew in my few short months of being born, what, to protect me from her?  Only to give me to a home that was full of so much violence and hatred that it scarred me for life.  I get she was only twenty.  I get that.  But I was twenty when I got pregnant and I wasn't married either.  And hell would have frozen over before I let anyone take my child away from me.  And if they had (or if I was forced to give him up for some reason), I would have spent every day of my waking life (and sleeping life) thinking about the day I'd be reunited with him.  Because I am a real mother.  I actually love my children.  She, on other hand, gave me away and never really cared to think about me much.  So much so, she forgot when my birthday was.  How can you give birth to a child and forget that date?  I just don't get it.  

And it wasn't pain that made her block it out.  She admitted, she had no attachment to me.  To anyone, other than my supposed birthfather (who wasn't my birthfather).  She admitted she only wanted me when she thought he was going to stay with her.  The moment he left her was the moment she knew she had to give me away, too.  I was never good enough for her on my own.  I was only a means to an end.  After he left her, she was emotionally wrecked and pined after him.  But she never pined after me.  She never wanted to be pregnant.  Which I get.  And that's fine.  But, then can't go around calling me her daughter and pretending she wants a relationship with me.  Which is only due to our proximity, by the way.  Eight hundred miles away and she could care less about contacting me.  But move 1.5 hours away and now we're buddies?  Does she not even see how insane that is?  Does she not even see just how it would make me feel if she only has anything to do with me because it's convenient for her?  She makes me feel bad for the way I am.  She's already told me both directly and indirectly she doesn't approve of who I am as a person.  So, what is all this?  Just a way to look like a good mother?  

Jesus Christ.  She lost that title over forty years ago.  Or even twenty years ago when she could have made things right between us.  But she didn't.  She chose over and over and over again to show me just how much I don't matter to her.  Maybe not purpose?  I don't know.  But the message was always that and is still that to this day.  I am tired of feeling like I don't matter to the people I should matter the most to.  

And so, with that, I am not having her come up here.  Not because I hate her.  I don't.  It just feels so freaking surface with we are together.  No depth.  No hugs or love, just...pretending.  I don't get why she wants to even be near me.  So I won't put myself through that.  Not anymore.  

I've lied to her before, when she's invited me to her family's holiday gatherings.  I made up family members that don't exist and said we were spending the holidays with them.  Their entire family makes me feel so freaking weird.  I can't take it.  My family is my husband and children and their eventual wives/kids.  That's it.  And maybe one day I'll have chosen family, too.  But until then, it's just us four and I am happy with that.  My hubby and I are sick so I will tell her that, it's not a lie.  We may have covid, I am not sure.  Probably not, but possibly.  So, I'll just ride on that for a bit until she forgets about visiting.  Which I hope she does.  

I like our email relationship now.  Granted, the only reason I even have that with her is because SHE was moving up here and all of a sudden she remembered I existed.  And she needed our help, which she said no to, only because it was too much to ask of us.  But had she not needed our help, I am not sure she would have even emailed.  I think she thought I'd be ecstatic she was moving up here.  And I am not sure why.  There was nothing stopping us having a relationship before.  But that's B for ya.  If it isn't about her, then there isn't anything to talk about.  

Maybe I am being harsh on her.  But, like I said, I am working out how I feel about all of this.  And I can't be anxious about her visiting.  So, I will message her right now and put a stop to it.  

This is my favorite season.  And I want to enjoy it.  Autumn isn't for anxiety.  It's for peace.  So, I will be choosing that this season any way I can.  Time to go email her and eat some pumpkin chili.  I hope it tastes good. 

UPDATE: it did taste good, though it gave me wicked acid reflux