The other day my mother asked me for vinegar.  I figured why, but I was in the middle of talking to my kids so I didn't get a chance to answer her.  Then she left a long note about how and why she wanted the vinegar, which is silly and weird (but totally like her) even though I am the person who cleans her coffee pot each month or so.  She knows damn well I will never give her my vinegar as it's like $4 a bottle and she will waste it on random things, which she loves to do.  Back in the day, vinegar was less than a $1 a bottle.  Now it's 3x the price.  So yeah, I safeguard that shit like gold.  I need it for cooking and cleaning, and she can't just be in charge of things like that.  

Anyways, I take the machine outside on our side porch, fill it full of vinegar, and let it run through.  I go back to my room and my mother comes knocking at my door, doing her fake-ass "OMG I DIDN'T MEANT FOR YOU TO CLEAN IT!  OH WOW!"  "I always clean it, ma."  "OH I KNOW!  BUT I KNOW YOU ARE SO BUSY AND I DIDN'T WANT TO HAVE TO MAKE YOU DO IT!"  Blah blah blah blah.  Oh.  My.  Fucking.  God.  She's sooooooooo damn fake that I want to scream.  Next time, I am going to.  I am going to say "Look here, stop it.  You sound so fake when you talk like this.  You know damn well I clean your coffee pot (or whatever it is she's going on about) and so this fake-sounding gushing is just not needed.  If you need this done, tell me, I'll do it, and that's that.  There never has to be anything said about me doing it.  Just a thank you.  That's it.  I am tired of hearing this."  I know it will piss her off, but hey, I don't care.  I can't stand listening to this fake gushing anymore.  

So, we go to the store and I pour the hot vinegar back into the well to let it run through again.  We have HARD water and we need to run it through like four times for it to fully clean.  Which is something my mother always did growing up, too.  She taught me that.  So, I get home and the fucking machine is gone.  

I marched in, and there is she is, running water through the thing, stinking up the whole house like hot ass vinegar, which is why I normally clean it at night so nobody has to smell that putrid shit.  So I walk up, yank the cord out of the wall and say "What are you doing??"  She said "It was done."  I said "No, it needs more run throughs, and now you've wasted half a gallon of vinegar.  Thank you.  When I am working on something, let me do it, you do not need to intervene.  

She said nothing.  But then said "You only need to run it through once."  I almost laughed at her.  She lies when she gets put on the spot anymore.  Never an apology.  "Sorry, I won't do that again."  Never.  

Yes, I got overly mad over something stupid, because in reality, it's not a big deal--to most people.  But just the sheer fact that she went through my son's room to go out on his porch to retrieve her pot, even though she knows damn well I will get it done, just grinds my gears.  I know why she did it.  She knows that I can't stand the smell of hot vinegar.  She knows that.  And that's why I don't let her clean it.  And she knew that by bringing it into the house and running water through it right away it would make the entire house stink.  She wanted to make me angry.  And she wanted to show me that since I won't let her do it herself, she was going to do at least part of it herself without my permission.  Well, from now on, when we leave the house, both my kids bedrooms will be locked, my bedroom will be locked, the basement is locked and the garage.  That way she can't get into shit that's not hers to mess with.  I am so tired of this, not being able to trust her. 

It's not about a coffee pot.  It's not about the vinegar.  It's the fact she knew how much that smell makes me sick and she wanted to make me sick, to punish me, to show me that I am not in control of her or her things.  That's also why she was gushing.  She only gushes when she's annoyed.  She pretending to be overwhelmed with gratitude because she wants to point out that a) she thinks I am never busy and that I don't do enough (by over-the-top gushing about the exact opposite) and/or b) she wants to pretend like she's not angry, so she overdoes the gushing.  She thinks that it covers up her anger, when in reality, she's just pointing it out.  Deep down, she's livid, all day every day, that I don't allow her to wash clothes, wash dishes, mop the floor, etc. etc.  Or that I don't allow her to use bleach in the house.  

The funny part is that she hardly cleans anyways.  I would get it more if she was an avid cleaner, but she's not.  She only wants to clean things she's not allowed to clean (like my stove).  It's freaking annoying when there are plenty of things to clean that she can clean, but just won't do it and only wants to clean things to start a fight.  It never works, as I get to the cleaning before she can even try to do it.  

Ugh.  Anyways, that's the coffee pot caper.  We thought for a moment someone stole it, but then I laughed thinking "Who would even do that?"  Turns out, it was a batty old woman who wanted to smell up the house.  

Next time?  I will clean it at night, like I always do.  And from now on, my son's door will be 100% locked whenever we leave.  I really don't know if she's still getting into his room and rummaging around, like she used to.  So, now I know I can't trust her at all.  We were only gone like fifteen minutes max, too.  How did she eat all her dinner, go outside to smoke AND get her coffee pot to clean it out?  She had to have hurried up to eat and smoke to get it all done. 

Like I said, when she doesn't listen, I take away her access to the thing she's not listening about.  So rather than yell at her and never get a single apology anymore, she just can't have access to do the things she's not supposed to do.  It solves my problem with no arguments.  Well, minus the fact I was pissed when I smelled all that vinegar smell in the house when I got home (it can give me migraines, that and bleach).  But that was justified.  Although, that's exactly what she wanted.  So she won that match.  Dammit.  

Okay, off to go clean things before my mother tries to do put something covered in feces on my things to "clean" them with (she will use a toilet brush to clean my stove...not an actual toilet brush, just a scrub brush she uses for the toilet!! yuck!!!!).  

My kids are going to Germany next year.  Or, at least they're planning on it.  They are getting their passports soon and are going to be working on saving money until then so they have plenty of money to bring with them.  Neither one has been on a plane before, nor have they ever been out of the country.  And both have severe anxiety.  But all their friends live in other countries, most in the UK, and they are all meeting up next summer for a concert, which they all bought tickets for.  And they'll be sharing an AirBnB in Germany for however long.  

Am I worried?  Oh yes.  I am terrified.  But I can't let my own anxiety dictate their lives.  They are adults and while they live under our care, they are still in charge of their own lives.  And I had always planned on taking an airplane at their age to go somewhere, but I never did, and now, I never will.  I don't want them to live with regret of not even trying.  Granted, it may come down to the wire and they may not go, but that's okay.  At least they tried.  And they will get loads of life experience from now until then doing what they need to do in order to go.  So that's worth something, too.  

Anxiety sucks.  And being autistic you will always have anxiety.  It's makes up a part of who you are.  My husband and I and both kids have it (ASD), as does my ex, my hubby's parents, and both my birthparents.  And, I do suspect my mother has it, too.  It would explain a lot (ASD mixed with NPD is never good).  It will manifest in different ways for different autistics, but there's always some, somewhere in our lives.  For many of us, it's constant.  My oldest son got on meds at 17 and it changed his life.  I tried meds after that (I have a phobia of taking medication) and none worked for me and some I have very bad reactions to (not like allergic reactions, but brain reactions--like hearing voices--yay me!).  In fact, the meds my son is on are the ones who give me the bad reactions.  Good thing he didn't inherit whatever DNA I have that causes that part.  My hubby's on meds, too, but they don't work for him as much as they do for our oldest.   My youngest is on meds, but very minor ones that also help him sleep.  And I am on nothing.  But my oldest has fast acting meds (not xanax, thank goodness) that work wonders for him when he's having breakthrough panic attacks, so that will help him on the plane ride over.  

Right now I am fully accepting we spent money on these tickets and they won't end up going.  I fully expect that.  But see...I am not like my mother.  I will not squash his (or either of their) dreams just because the most likely scenario won't work out for them going.  I want to give my children wings, not keep them in a cage (though the cage is nice and calm and safe and peaceful, but still).  I refuse to tell them "Hey, you know you won't go anyways, so why waste the money??".  But the thing is, I don't actually know that.  I can make an educated guess, sure.  But that doesn't make it real or fact.  I want to keep my brain in the "What if they actually go?" mode.  And how wonderful that would be for them.  How memorable it would be.  How they'd have that story to add to their life story to tell their grandchildren one day (or someone's grandkids-I can't predict if they will have kids of their own or not).  That's the mode I will stay in.  I will do everything to help them actually go.  I will remind them renew their licenses, get their passports, apply for jobs, etc.  I will be fucking supportive, goddammit!  Even though every fiber of my being is terrified of them doing something so big.  

The first time they went somewhere on their own was going to the grocery store with our neighbor on bikes.  The entire time I was TERRIFIED and almost cried.  Yes, I am so horribly anxious that I could not stop pacing at my window, waiting for them to come home.  And they were fine.  

The first time I left them home alone, due to the fact my mother refused to watch them, even though they were old enough to take care of themselves and entertain themselves, I was glued to my phone the entire time.  "What if they burn the house down?"  "What if someone breaks in?"  "What if they hurt each other?"  I was more scared of them fighting than anything, but they didn't.  And twice a month, during our anxiety support group meetings (funny, right?) for the next four years, they stayed home alone from then on, and never once broke anything, got hurt, and nobody broke in.  

Now, could something bad have happened either of those times?  Yes, of course.  And my kids could go to Germany next year and never come back, too.  But, they run that risk every time they leave the house, with or without me.  They could also get covid and bring it home with them.  There are a million scenarios in which terrible things could happen to any of at any given moment.  But, I can't let that be what motivates me to stop them from going to the country they've always wanted to see and to see a band in their home country that they love so dearly.  I can't be my mother, my father, my mother-in-law, or my father-in-law.  I can't be a shitty parent who lets my own fears and my own bullshit stop my kids from doing things in life.  

Look at me.  I am 46 years old and I am scared of everything.  I was taught to be scared of everything.  I was told I couldn't be anything in life or do anything in life.  I was kept down by my parents' fears and judgments.  And I missed out on so much.  Granted, I didn't miss out on being a mom (I've enjoyed all of it).  And I don't actually regret my life at all.  But still.  I can't let my own bullshit give my kids regrets, either.  Granted, if they choose not to go, I have to let them know it's not something to regret.  That someone else will fill it's place in their lives.  Maybe someone else.  Life happens either way and living with regret is not something anyone should do (unless you've done assholey things-but then you make amends so you can stop regretting it).  

I am okay with them going or not going.  I don't care how much money they waste.  They will try to push themselves out of their comfort zones.  They will test themselves to see what they're ready to do, or not.  And that's life experience all its own.  

I am terrified of them going.  But I will do what I always do in times of terrible fear: I will will sit and disassociate until they come back LMAO.  Then when they call and say "Come get us from the airport", I will let out the breath I will have been holding and all will be well again.  But that's what being a real parent is: Facing your fears by letting your kids be their own people.  And encouraging them to do so, even though it's terrifying.  

Next week we'll be getting my youngest son's new ID (his is expired) so they can work on getting their passports.  Then my oldest will be looking for a full-time so they can save money to go.  

So much change.  But that's a good thing.  We need change right now.  And this will be the stepping stone to get there, even if they don't end up going (who knows if they'll even like the people they'll be going with by then).  

Sigh.  Now it's time to relax and not think about it until I have to.  

Her: WHAT DID YOU ORDER?!  (she screams while waving her hands around, holding a box)

Me: I have no idea what you're talking about.  (I assumed she meant on Amazon?  But how did she know I ordered something on Amazon and what on earth would she be angry about?)

Her: WHAT DID YOU ORDER??!

Me: I am still confused here.  What are you talking about?

Her: I THOUGHT YOU ORDERED TEST STRIPS!  THEY SENT ME NEEDLES!

Me: What?  They sent you diabetic needles?  You don't even take insulin.  You take pills.  (I grab the box she ripped open from the bottom, with lancets falling out).  Ma, these are finger prickers.  They aren't needles.  They always send you these with your test strips.  

Her: NO THEY DON'T!

Me: Yes.  They do.  Here (I hand her the box of test strips from her pile of medicine in my room).  I just gave you the wrong box.  Sorry.

Her: Oh.  I'll just take these back and throw my old ones away.  

Me: Why?  They don't expire.  There is nothing wrong with them.  Just keep your old ones and I will give you this box when you run out.  

Her: (goes back into her room mumbling to herself)

There are days I wonder if she has dementia, then there are days like this.  I still can't say for sure it's 100% dementia (as she's on a lot of meds that mess with your memory--things her old neurologist wanted her to get off of, but she can't), but I can surely say that she has confusion attacks.  Though she will go through certain periods of time with more confusion attacks on a regular basis, and other periods of time where she seems fine.  That's the way of certain dementias, especially vascular.  But like I said before: vascular is over diagnosed and many people who have been diagnosed are found to have not had it after their deaths (from post mortem investigation).  

But whatever is causing the confusion and freaking out and forgetting, it doesn't matter.  My mother has memory issues, but more than that, she has understanding issues.  She doesn't understand most things anymore.  Which is one reason she can't see her doctors alone.  She doesn't understand when I tell her things or when she reads something online.  She gets so confused about things and sometimes, like this time, she gets angry about them.  I never yell back at her when she's mad about something (though her anger to my face has been few and far between lately, thank goodness) because I never know why she's mad.  Is it confusion?  Or is she just being a bitch?  She's not a bitch anymore, thank goodness. so I assume it's always confusion that's causing it.  Before, it was always her just being cruel or mean or rude or judgmental (aka, being a bitch).  But she's so much better now.  Not because she's "changed" due to some sort of self-introspection, but more due to the fact I've taken away everything she can bitch about so there's nothing left.  Also, she's nicer because she's scared of what I will do: like put her in a nursing home or have her committed if she's violent (which is what I told her I'd do if she was ever violent with me, or anyone else, again-and she knows I don't threaten anything, I tell the truth of what I will actually do).  

While I don't like being yelled at or accused of doing something wrong (which is exactly what she was doing here--accusing me ordering the wrong thing--rather than just inform me that I gave her the wrong thing), I am finding that I don't give two shits anymore.  Ever since I gave up needing to be on top of every single correspondence of hers that she has with people outside our house, for fear of them talking shit about me or planning something behind my back, I have chilled out on most things with her.  I just don't fucking care anymore.  Did I not please her with what I did for her?  I don't care.  Did I make her mad because (insert bullshit here)?  I don't care.  Did I do something wrong in her eyes?  I just don't fucking care.  I am not sure if I am turning a permanent corner or a partial (and temporary) one, but a corner has been turned.  

And I am glad.  My mother is batshit crazy, but I am her caretaker.  So, while I stopped caring about whether or not she approves of me as a human and a daughter, I am now getting her requests done faster and on time, rather than before when I'd let being overwhelmed take over and I'd take forever to get her anything or do something for her.  Now, most things are done same day.  I have stopped caring and in turn, my caretaking has gotten better.  And I think that's because I see this more as a job now than an obligation.  She's not anywhere as mean or as bad to me anymore, so I can learn to let it go and stop caring about it and just get the job done.  

Again, this could be a temporary or permanent way of feeling, I don't know.  But it's something.  And I am glad for the change.  

I am at a crossroads.  I cancelled my therapist's appointment today.  I would have anyways, due to waking up with a migraine, which has been happening more lately, but nowhere near as often as they were three years and a half years ago, when we first moved in here.  I used to get them at least once a week, lasting for days at times.  I remember the first time I only had a single migraine in a month, and I was floored!  After that, they came less and less.  But for some reason, the past thirty days, I've had a few, and that's so abnormal.  I can get like one every other month, but sometimes even way less than that.  But yeah, I don't know what's wrong with me anymore.  Well, except the fact they seemed to get turned back on when I was sick last month.  Maybe that's it.  I don't know.  I do have a Mirena IUD, that is what usually causes my onslaught of migraines, but I am near the end of this one's cycle and in January it will be coming out and I will be getting an ablation.  So, why my migraines are ramping up now, I don't know. 

Anyways, I woke up today with severe eye strain and horrible brain fog, so I knew something was up.  I had completely forgotten about my therapist appointment (on Zoom) due to my brain fog (and severe anxiety, another wonderful symptom I get from migraines) until two hours prior when she texted me.  I had a good excuse to cancel, so I did.  

But like I said, I am now at a crossroads.  My anxiety I know will prevent me from confronting her about her actions last week.  And my anger as to what happened will prevent me from seeing her again.  Well, not only my anger, but my anxiety, too.  Because here is my issue: if I am raw and real with my therapist, which is not something I usually am, how will she respond?  Considering the moment I told her about something I did (which was saying yes when I meant no to the pushy asshole next door), she, instead of getting to the root of my people pleasing (which is why we started talking about in the first place: she asked if I was a people pleaser and I said only to pushy people), she told me that I was in the wrong for doing it, because it didn't build trust with others to count on me for something and then to have me cancel.  But this response proves she either a) wasn't listening to me, because I made it clear that I only have this issue with pushy assholes who ask too much of me, or b) she was doing what my mother always does and took the other person's side automatically.  Either way, it wasn't the right response.  Granted, she's a human and humans can make mistakes, but then SHE got pushy with me and forced me to say the word "no" when asking me to take a Thanksgiving dinner from her church.  Which was confusing and stress-inducing and anxiety inducing and just plain weird.  I know I said all this in my last post, but remember, I am here working out how I feel about the issues in my life, so I sometimes write to work out my feelings.  Because apparently, it's better than therapy.  At least with the therapists in my town.

I am not saying that what I do (saying yes when I mean no) isn't wrong.  I know it's wrong.  But I know it's mainly wrong for ME, not for the other person, as the other person is being too...what's the word?  Grabby?  Pushy?  Or just plain rude?  By asking me to do something outrageous to begin with.  They shouldn't be asking so much of another human being who isn't a professional to do the things they want me or others to do (like one time, a guy at my son's work asked him to drive him 600 some odd miles to his new house and drop him off--and my son has the same issue as me: we don't want to let other people down, so we automatically say yes).  So the main issue with this is MY reaction to the issue: by saying yes, I put myself into a position to have to then retract my "yes", which gives me wretched amounts of anxiety and stress.  Though, I try not to put someone else in a bind by cancelling last minute, it still isn't fun to have to come up with an excuse. 

Except there is one thing to all of this: I don't do this anymore.  This is something I relayed to her, as well.  This was a past issue I had, even though it wasn't that long ago (months), it still bugs me to think it could happen again.  

Here is the thing: I need people to stop asking me to do shit for them.  Period.  I am a VERY giving person and I will do anything for anyone, but guess what?  Whenever I have reached out to people in my life, throughout my life, to come through for me?  Guess who's shown up?  My hubby and my kids.  Nobody else.  Yes, my mother has in the past, come through with financial aid, but do you think she's ever once babysat my kids back in the day when I needed it?  Or even watched my dogs (one of which used to be hers)?  Or done one single fucking thing?  Nope.  Not a once.  

What about my friends?  I invited my huge group of friends to my birthday party (more than once) and guess who showed up?  Nobody.  None of the times they were asked.  Yet, did I show up to their parties?  Every single one I was invited to.  Baby showers.  Weddings.  Birthday parties.  Sex toy parties.  Bag parties.  Anything tupperware-ish style parties.  Every.  Single.  One.  And all of their children's birthday parties, for many years.  Guess how many of their kids came to my kids' parties?  Like maybe one or two.  But most of them, zero.  Guess how many people I knew came to my wedding?  My family or my friends?  None.  I had my maid of honor and her hubby and two kids, but every other person there (other than my stinky mother), was on my hubby's side.  That friend that showed up for me that day as my maid of honor?  That was the ONLY party she ever attended of mine the entire time I knew her.  I have two kids, and they came to ZERO birthday parties for either one.  Her two kids?  We went to every single birthday they ever had.  So, while she showed up for me that day, I can't say much else about her that's good (she's not my friend anymore, btw, I finally got tired of her tired-ass bullshit after almost twenty years).  

Do you how how many times I've asked a neighbor for a favor?  Not a single time.  Ever.  I once borrowed money from a friend for a gas bill I needed to pay and I paid it back two days later.  I once borrowed money from my horrible cousin (the one who made us homeless in 2018, but this was before then) to pay my electricity bill, and it took me a couple weeks to pay it back.  Although we were STRUGGLING so bad financially back then.  She acted like an asshole about it, too, even though she knew how bad of a place we were in (though, looking back, this what led her to take advantage of us in 2018).  And one time I had a friend take me and my family to the food pantry to get food because we were broker than a screen door in a hurricane, and she stopped being friends with me after that.  I was an all-time low in my life, my anxiety was so out of control and we had almost no money to live (our rent took our entire check, minus $50) and she kicked me while I was down.  One time I asked for help in my homeschooling group (it was even MY group, I was the owner) and I asked for help cleaning my house because my anxiety was so bad I couldn't get anything done without another adult being around and they all giggled and replied "Why can't your kids help?"  And that was that.  I realized that asking for help just makes people resent you.  And it makes you look weak.  And assholes take your weakness and use it to hurt you.  But I guess, I haven't really had a single REAL friend in my life, because I grew up with a narcissistic parent who taught me to be friends with people like her.  And those fuckers will laugh at you when you need help.  Or they just plain won't show up.

I once reached out to another homeschooling group I was in to ask for parenting help, as my son was out of control when he was little (around age 4) and I didn't know what to do.  And they all told me to "be a better parent and maybe my son would act better".  Little did I know at the time, both my kids have ASD and their acting out was 100% due to their autism.  But instead of helping me or offering me any kind words, they told me I was bad parent.  

This why I don't ask anyone for anything, unless ABSOUTELY necessary.  And even then, sometimes people come through for you and sometimes they don't.  And sometimes, they treat you as though you're a piece of shit for asking.  Like my father-in-law, walking up to our car with an open window and CHUCKING twenty dollars at us and walking away shaking his head, as though we were being moochers.  We needed gas money.  That was it.  And we never asked him or his wife for money ever again (and we hardly ever did before that).  Which led us to eventually doing some unsavory things to get some cash when we needed it (no, we didn't rob any banks or gas stations).  In reality, it wasn't illegal or anything, just borderline wrong.  But when you have two kids and need to feed your family, you do what you have to do (and nobody was ever hurt by anything we did--we aren't those types of people).  

Now my hubby has an amazing job and today he learned he's getting a promotion.  He's not even hired in yet (he works through a temp place first).  This happened the first time he worked here, too.  He's just that cool.  

Oh, I will add something interesting here: the woman who took me to the food pantry?  I didn't realize she had stopped being my friend until we came out of our financial slump (which wasn't that long afterwards) and we were making so much money (my hubby was working seven days a week) that we could afford our bills AND get my son braces!  So, I decided to take her and her son out to go eat so we could repay her for her taking us to the food pantry and whatnot and she ignored me.  So I kept asking her on, and off, and she never ever responded to me again.  I've known her since middle school.  But she made a choice that I guess I wasn't worth talking to unless I was poor??  I have no idea.  So freaking weird.  

Anyways.  My point is that why am I so giving to others when this is how I've been treated myself?  Why do I make myself someone you can count on? (well for normal people).  Why do I put myself into the position to be the person who you send your kid over to sew your broken shit, or give you a cup of sugar, or watch your fucking dog (though I do love dogs more than people), or give you a roll of TP when you're out or drive you places??  Just because I do something once, why do these idiots think they can not only keep asking me, but ask me for and more and MORE until the dam breaks and my rage spills out?  Okay, I have never lost my shit on anyone for asking too much of me but I am raging at home, that's for sure.  So, why do I keep saying yes to these fuckers when I 100% want to say no?  Or rather, I should be saying no.   

That's what I was trying to relay to my therapist.  But she refused to listen and just went on a rant about "building trust" and whatnot and wasn't listening to me.  She was telling me that my issue, something I am truly embarrassed about and never have talked to a therapist about before, was "wrong" and "bad", as though I have any control over it.  I need to understand it before I can control it.  And rather than showing empathy or kindness to me, she scolded me for it.  

Just like my old therapist Marc, when he scolded me for falling into my mother's trap of being nice to me and then her using that against me to hurt me.  "Why did you fall it for Shay?  You know better!"  As though having your own mother be nice to you and you allowing it to make you feel good is wrong and not the most natural thing in the world.  Funny, he once to me to "enjoy the good times" and I told him that I couldn't do that, because if I did, this exact thing would happen.  So, when I did it, and it happened, something I told him that would happen, he's the one who scolded me for it.

I am starting to believe that therapy is a fucking ripoff.  And it's a crock of shit.  My next memoir is going to be about bad therapists.  Because the good ones, like the ones on TV, are far and few between.  I have had ONE good therapist.  One.  Out of (let me count....) at least 8.  

Sigh.

I really really want to bring this shit up to her.  But I know I won't.  Ugh.  I hate this.  

But I do think I on my way to solving my issue with saying yes...to never say yes again.  Well, unless the person is a) in dire need or b) is worth my time.  Everyone else?  Can go to hell.  

Christmas asked me to fix her password issue with her email, but she stopped asking, so I am not offering.  And if she asks again, after the way she's treated me throughout the years, I am going to just keep putting it off.  Now, that's a tactic--I am doing that on purpose.  If I say "no" outright, she will get a new email.  And you know what that means?  My mother and her will be sending shitty emails to each other again.  So...I want to save myself the headache and just hope that Christmas forgets all about email as a whole and never worries about it again.  It's not like she emails people that often.  If I put it off, she hopefully just eventually forget about it.  I know it won't work forever, but it's good for now. And that's one less headache for me--also, even if that weren't the case, I'd make up an excuse to say no because she doesn't deserve my help in the least, and she's not my family.  

And I am not doing any favors for a neighbor ever again.  If they ask, I will say "I am so sorry, but I am so super busy with my own life I just don't have the time.  Sorry!"  Which is the damn truth.  

Now, to just give back the jerk next door's garage clicker.  I can't believe she hasn't asked for it yet.  I bet she's waiting to keep me in reserve.  I kinda want to block her number.  But if there's an emergency, I would like her to message me.  So, I can't completely cut her off.  Which means I also can't be snotty about giving her clicker back.  Which sucks, but oh well.  Or maybe I will be snotty, we'll see.  

So, if Christmas asks me for a favor or if anyone else does, I will use that explanation for saying no.  "Sorry, too busy!"  And that will end that problem for me once and for all.  I can't retract my "yes" if I never say it to people who don't need or deserve my help.  

As for my therapist problem: I don't want a therapist who doesn't have any empathy.  She didn't even listen to me when I said my mother has NPD.  She downplayed it.  So yeah.  I think I will call her office tomorrow and ask for a new therapist.  I hope they ask me why.  I really really do.  I also want to tell them some other things about the way they do their services that I think they should change, too.  

I am so tired.  It's midnight and I need to sleep.  But I will call tomorrow and see how long it will take me to get a new therapist (prolly won't be able to get one--there aren't any available).  

Goodnight. 

So, my therapist rescheduled for online and later in the day, per my request.  I just really don't want to waste my time with someone who both doesn't hear me when I speak (I think she's not paying attention...like I said, she didn't hear me the first two sessions, but at number three she did, and said some weird stuff back...though, did she really "hear" me?  Or was she responding to what she thought I meant?) and who thinks she can be negative towards me without knowing me really well.  

I felt like when I tell my mother things: she always takes the other person's side.  

In reality, the only reasons I am still going to see her on Thursday is because a) she's free (but won't be later), and b) I want to see if she gets worse.  That way I have something to write about LOL  

I am also curious to see if she's helpful in any way, but also I feel like if she's going to be jerky to me in the future, even if she's helpful now, it's a waste of my time.  Sigh.  I have a lot of anxiety about talking to her again, but we'll see.  

In other news, my mother is still my mother and hasn't changed much.  She's been nonintrusive and quiet lately (not quiet, but not loud either).  I am in an amazing group for people like me who take care of their shitty narcissistic parents and I realize just how lucky I am with her.  She knows she can't do certain things, so she doesn't, but if she could, she would.  But the fact that she doesn't (most of the time) means I have it so much better than most of the other people in the group.  Sometimes I forget that.  I turned our phone back on (I won't leave her home alone without a phone) and now she can have access to her stupid friends again to talk shit about me and my family.  But she always will, so I have to stop caring.  

I like not having issues to bitch about.  Yes, I have my therapist, but I never asked for someone like her.  I wanted the nice one who interviewed me at first.  I wanted a REAL therapist who knows how to actually be a therapist and not be judgmental or a bully.  If she was nice, I'd be very happy with most things right now.  Other than the fact my sore throat came back yesterday and all day today (until I took an ibuprofen) and I felt like shit all day.  But I am really, really hoping it's just allergies.  Sigh.  People are burning all their stupid yard waste around here and it's making me sick.  But it's the same pain in my left tonsil I had when I was sick.  Like physical pain, not just a sore throat.  

So annoying.  I hope it goes away and it's just a fluke.  But I thought when I was sick it was just a fluke, too and it ended up being horrible.  

Ugh.  

I just want to sew, read books, write books, and go for walks.  Is that too much to ask for?  I feel too cruddy to do any of that.  Though yesterday we did go to the apple orchard, which was fun.  I got to pet some goats who didn't want me touching them LOL  Yay!  But we did get apple cider donuts and hot apple cider, which were both good.  And we bought apple butter, pumpkin butter, and caramel apple fudge.

Tomorrow we have to get up early to bring my dog to the vet.  The expensive one.  UGH.  More money to spend, but I think he has a UTI so his health matters more than our bank account.  I just don't want to pay like $300.  Fucking all these places are PRICE gouging us since the pandemic.  And the prices never went back down.  

I am telling you, each day, we get closer and closer to choosing van life over any of this shit.  It's almost the only way to afford anything anymore.  Ugh.  Though if we do that, I will need one big enough to have a real bathroom in it, because I'll be damned if I will poop in the woods.  

I also got a book by Ruth Sokup (she's an author I read) about clearing out your clutter in 30 days.  So, I am going to start it tomorrow if I feel okay and see where it leads me.  I cannot afford a storage unit (like I said, EVERYONE is price gouging us all these days) so I need to downsize in order to get ready to move.  But not only that, I need to downsize to get ready for the spring thaw.  Our basement becomes a fucking flood zone and it takes us WEEKS to get all the water out, so we need to get rid of our stuff so it doesn't get ruined.  Once that is done, I can get what's left organized so we can figure out what we want to do.  Even if we don't do "van life" (right away or ever), my family and I want to convert a van so we can travel (then convert another one for the kids).  My idea is to travel to different fairs and craft shows around the US to sell my wares at.  My uncle did that for a living (though he stayed at hotels).  So, that way, if my hubby got a remote HR job (he's getting his master's degree in HR), we could actually travel a huge amount of the time and if we made enough money, then we could do van life full time until we saved enough to buy some land/a house on some land.  But then I'll have to figure out where to put my mother.  Though I'd work hard to get her into assisted living then.  But for now, I just need to try my local ones to see how much I can sell.  I also need to get shit listed online and on Instagram to build a client base/following.  That way maybe I'll get the low-down on where else good shows and fairs are to travel to.   

It's just so much work.  But it's something to work towards.  But I am excited to start purging my clutter.  Because five people in a tiny house with too much stuff is just for crazy making.

Yes, I realize this is all over the place, but I have nothing to really talk about here, and I just writing down my silly thoughts for future me to see.  

I had an appointment with my new therapist yesterday and it went okay.  But it always takes me at least a day to process the entire experience because when I have a conversation with someone, especially someone I don't know well, but really anyone, all the information bombards me at once and I don't know how I feel about until I can take time to unpack each time by itself.  

So, we've been going over this stupid ass questionnaire, wasting both of our times (and my money) by billing me for something that's out of my control.  This is the THIRD appointment for this stupid thing.  And my third appointment with her.  But this time was different.  The last two times, she seemed hard of hearing and she either couldn't hear what I was saying or misheard what I was saying.  It could have been our connection, except for the fact she did in person, too.  This time, however, she did not mishear me or misunderstand, but was WAY more talkative.  And, more...what's the word?  Opinionated?  Yes, I think that's what I'd say it was.  Which felt odd, since she was normally quiet and hard of hearing.  

Maybe she didn't have her hearing aids in the other two times?  I don't know.  But you'd think if that was the case, she'd cancel our sessions, because what kind of therapist would do therapy when she can't hear their client? 

Anyways.  She was pretty nice the entire time, but there were a few things that struck me as, well, not only odd, but red flaggy.  I say this because I've had SO many therapists in the past (medical card y'all, you don't get to keep therapists for very long) who have irked me on the first, or some date early on, only to show me later that I was right.  So, I listen to my gut instincts when it comes to therapists, or actually anyone, really.  When someone says something "off" or seemingly rude or something of the sort, that's usually a warning sign of what's to come.  And the earlier they do it?  The worse it gets.  I had one completely insane therapist I didn't realize was totally nuts for a freaking year (she was a pathological liar).  But this one is on day three.  I hope they were just flubs and not actually indicative of what's to come, but I always say that.  And it always is the latter.  

This is what we do with red flags: the little ones, we make excuses for them and hope they don't mean anything; the big ones we run away from.  Or we should.  

So, here is the first one she said: 

When I told her I had a hard time telling someone no when they request something from me (like my time), she was fine with it, until I relayed the fact that if I don't want to do it, I will always end up saying no later.  Then she got weird.  I am not sure if she'd still had been weird about me going through with something I didn't want to do (or something that was too much to ask of me to do), or not.  But when she heard that I end up actually saying no, she said "Wow, well, people don't like hearing yes and then end up having that person change their mind.  You have to think about how it makes them feel.  It doesn't build any trust, now does it?"  

I can't tell you how I feel about that.  I still feel pretty weird about it, since I was talking about the idiot next door who asked me to watch her dog for a freaking month (I've written about her many times on here).  I was like, in my head, "Are you sticking up for a bully?  For a user?"  Because I didn't say I do that normally to people, I just do it when I am put on the spot by someone who I don't know very well and I don't want to seem rude by saying no.  I also relayed that I was taught as a child that saying no to someone with a strong personality will get me into trouble.  That every single time I told my mother no she threw a fit and I was punished.  So, I literally fear saying no, esp. in person.  So, I told her I have been learning to say "I will check and see and let you know!" instead.  But she kept harping on me not being trustworthy.  

THEN she, well it felt like she did this, bullied me into telling her no.  It was ridiculous.  She said she wanted to know if I wanted a Thanksgiving dinner for free from her church.  And I said "I really don't want to take one away from someone who needs it.  A few months ago I'd have jumped at the chance, but my husband is working again, and we don't need it, but thank you."  That was not a good enough answer for her.  She literally asked me again and said "I didn't think you'd want one, but the lady from my church was bugging me to ask you."   Huh?  How does the lady from your church know of me?  But then she kept wording it differently, putting me into the position to get nervous and say "I would, but I don't need it."  I was being freaking polite.  But she kept on and on, and eventually outrightly coaxed me to say the word no.  

First of all, why is she offering something personal from her life to her clients?  I am not sure if that's appropriate.  My son told me that she should have asked "Do you or anyone you know need a free Thanksgiving dinner?  If so, I have the information of where you can get one."  But she made this very personal, bragging how great of a job they do and how they "go all out".  From experience, I know that churches never do much of anything for "free", they always expect you to attend their church if they give you something.  She KNOWS I am an atheist, and maybe churches are a trigger for me?  They are and they aren't.  But the fact she made such a huge deal about how wonderful it is and how it's her church, it made it really hard to say no.  And after I did say no initially (by saying "Thank you, but we don't need it at this time"), she kept on about it, I felt pressured to say yes.  I felt she wanted me to agree and then I'd feel indebted to this church.  Did I mention she's a pastor?  So when she says "my church", she means "MY" church.  Second of all, I felt like in the end, she wanted me to say the word "no" as though that was my problem saying no people.  Which cracks me up, because the word "no" is not my issue, it's THIS right here: feeling pressured to say yes and not being able to turn someone down.  I should have said "Let me think about it and I'll get back to you".  That's 100% of what I should have said, because now I am thinking maybe we could use it.  But I am not sure if that's really what I want, or if I feel that way because I feel bad letting her down.  

Sigh.  Therapy is NOT supposed to give you stress, and now this woman is giving me stress.  

First, she tells me that I "can't build trust with people" if I say no after I say yes (which is total bullshit), even though I ONLY brought up my shitty neighbor and her diapered dog that I have no issue with her not trusting me (I even tried to make her not trust me by cancelling on her so she'd stop asking me for fucking favors) and then she puts me in a position to feel pressured to say yes to something, so much so that I am questioning telling her no (and I felt bullied into using the actual word "no").  Is this what therapy is going to be like with her?  If so, I am going to call the place and complain so freaking hard, wasting my time with THREE entire sessions of filling out this questionnaire, only to find out the therapist is insane who tries to push turkey on people.  Also, is the food homemade?  If so, fucking gross.  I would have no problem right off the bat saying "Oh god no!" if I had known that (if that's the case).  But the sheer fact that she called me untrustworthy without really understanding the entire situation is fucking bullshit.  My son added in some wise thoughts on this "Therapy isn't about whether or not you're wrong, it's about finding out why you did the thing she thinks is wrong.  It's about finding out why you have issues saying no to people and working on that, rather than making you think you're doing something horrible to someone else.  Which you aren't, because the people you do this to are pushy people who most likely won't take no for an answer in the first place."  And he's exactly right.  That's who I do this with: pushy rude people who ask me to for too much or people I don't know very well and do not feel comfortable being myself around yet.  I fear telling people no who I don't know how they will react to me saying no.  And after the Thanksgiving dinner issue, I don't feel comfortable telling her no at all. 

And because of all this, when the therapist found out I was an artist, she wanted to book the art room with the art therapist for me for our next session.  Which I do not want to do, but I said yes, because I didn't know how I felt about it.  And now, the next day, I realize I hate doing art in front of others, especially where I am expected to "perform" (the same goes for music).  It's like, yeah, no thanks.  Now, I am stuck having to tell her that I don't want to be in the art room, and fear she will make a big deal out of me saying yes and changing my mind.  So, now I won't be able to see her in person that day because that's the best excuse I can come up with is to tell her to make the appointment on Zoom because of whatever.  I will message her today and tell her that.  Which is annoying, as I HATE doing therapy in my home, as there is zero privacy (this house...I tell you, there is not a single place you can go without people being able to hear you).  

Also, I realized there is another issue with this whole "not being able to say no" thing.  It's not just that I can't say no, I am under massive amounts of anxiety when I talk to other people and they ask something of me.   So, I sometimes think the idea sounds awesome, in the moment, not realizing how I actually feel about it, and I say yes, thinking it's a good idea.  But then I really think about something and remember or realize "Hey, I don't actually like this" or "Yeah, that's not exactly a good thing", etc.  So, even if the issue is not me fearing saying no, but actually thinking something is a good idea, I need to still say "Let me check on that" or "I'll get back to you", even if I think it's a good idea.  I know I fear saying "Let me think about it" because that means saying no will be a choice and the person may get pushy about it, and no amount of answers will be good enough.  So there always has to be a reason for me to say no.  Even if it's a lie.  Or, my favorite no is a "yes-no-yes" type of no.  Meaning say something positive, then decline, then say something positive as an alternative.  "Thanks so much for asking, but I will have to decline, but could you ask so and so instead?"  That's how I got the therapist to stop pushing that fucking dinner on me, I suggested she send the person in charge of the dinners to our local buy and sell and free groups on Facebook because there are always people in there asking for help for all the holidays.  That got her mind off of me and she eventually left me alone about it. 

Yeah, I shouldn't have to do that with my own therapist.  I shouldn't have to come up with ways to get her to stop pressuring me for something.  

The woman who did my intake at this office?  I sooooo wanted her to be my therapist.  She was so kind and nice and sweet.  But now, they stick me with Pastor Pushy.  

Well, we'll see how the next session goes.  Which will be on Zoom (which she also constantly pushes me to do, even though I already told her I prefer in-person as I have zero privacy in my house).  

I am honestly afraid of going back to her.  Red flags this early on?  Yikes.  Let's just hope she was having an off day, but I fear the rest of our time together will be worse.  And I can't be honest with her to tell her how her behavior made me feel.  Because I fear her reaction will be unkind.  The last time I finally got the courage up to tell a therapist how I felt about how he was making me feel, he immediately said "I think you're doing better enough we can bump you down to once a month".  Which I was not doing better.  He's also the one who shamed me for falling into my mother's trap of being nice to me, EVEN THOUGH he told me to enjoy it when she's nice to me....what the fuck?  Yeah.  I kind of hate therapists.  And I think I feel a memoir coming on.  So I guess keep em coming, right?  I guess I could look at this way: keep going to the bad therapists so I can get material for a book.   But hardly ever do they start being so bad so early on.  This one worries me.  But hey, maybe she can give me lots of material?  

Sigh.  That's enough about her for now.  I am sure I will be back with more about her next week.  Yay.