I am at a crossroads.  I cancelled my therapist's appointment today.  I would have anyways, due to waking up with a migraine, which has been happening more lately, but nowhere near as often as they were three years and a half years ago, when we first moved in here.  I used to get them at least once a week, lasting for days at times.  I remember the first time I only had a single migraine in a month, and I was floored!  After that, they came less and less.  But for some reason, the past thirty days, I've had a few, and that's so abnormal.  I can get like one every other month, but sometimes even way less than that.  But yeah, I don't know what's wrong with me anymore.  Well, except the fact they seemed to get turned back on when I was sick last month.  Maybe that's it.  I don't know.  I do have a Mirena IUD, that is what usually causes my onslaught of migraines, but I am near the end of this one's cycle and in January it will be coming out and I will be getting an ablation.  So, why my migraines are ramping up now, I don't know. 

Anyways, I woke up today with severe eye strain and horrible brain fog, so I knew something was up.  I had completely forgotten about my therapist appointment (on Zoom) due to my brain fog (and severe anxiety, another wonderful symptom I get from migraines) until two hours prior when she texted me.  I had a good excuse to cancel, so I did.  

But like I said, I am now at a crossroads.  My anxiety I know will prevent me from confronting her about her actions last week.  And my anger as to what happened will prevent me from seeing her again.  Well, not only my anger, but my anxiety, too.  Because here is my issue: if I am raw and real with my therapist, which is not something I usually am, how will she respond?  Considering the moment I told her about something I did (which was saying yes when I meant no to the pushy asshole next door), she, instead of getting to the root of my people pleasing (which is why we started talking about in the first place: she asked if I was a people pleaser and I said only to pushy people), she told me that I was in the wrong for doing it, because it didn't build trust with others to count on me for something and then to have me cancel.  But this response proves she either a) wasn't listening to me, because I made it clear that I only have this issue with pushy assholes who ask too much of me, or b) she was doing what my mother always does and took the other person's side automatically.  Either way, it wasn't the right response.  Granted, she's a human and humans can make mistakes, but then SHE got pushy with me and forced me to say the word "no" when asking me to take a Thanksgiving dinner from her church.  Which was confusing and stress-inducing and anxiety inducing and just plain weird.  I know I said all this in my last post, but remember, I am here working out how I feel about the issues in my life, so I sometimes write to work out my feelings.  Because apparently, it's better than therapy.  At least with the therapists in my town.

I am not saying that what I do (saying yes when I mean no) isn't wrong.  I know it's wrong.  But I know it's mainly wrong for ME, not for the other person, as the other person is being too...what's the word?  Grabby?  Pushy?  Or just plain rude?  By asking me to do something outrageous to begin with.  They shouldn't be asking so much of another human being who isn't a professional to do the things they want me or others to do (like one time, a guy at my son's work asked him to drive him 600 some odd miles to his new house and drop him off--and my son has the same issue as me: we don't want to let other people down, so we automatically say yes).  So the main issue with this is MY reaction to the issue: by saying yes, I put myself into a position to have to then retract my "yes", which gives me wretched amounts of anxiety and stress.  Though, I try not to put someone else in a bind by cancelling last minute, it still isn't fun to have to come up with an excuse. 

Except there is one thing to all of this: I don't do this anymore.  This is something I relayed to her, as well.  This was a past issue I had, even though it wasn't that long ago (months), it still bugs me to think it could happen again.  

Here is the thing: I need people to stop asking me to do shit for them.  Period.  I am a VERY giving person and I will do anything for anyone, but guess what?  Whenever I have reached out to people in my life, throughout my life, to come through for me?  Guess who's shown up?  My hubby and my kids.  Nobody else.  Yes, my mother has in the past, come through with financial aid, but do you think she's ever once babysat my kids back in the day when I needed it?  Or even watched my dogs (one of which used to be hers)?  Or done one single fucking thing?  Nope.  Not a once.  

What about my friends?  I invited my huge group of friends to my birthday party (more than once) and guess who showed up?  Nobody.  None of the times they were asked.  Yet, did I show up to their parties?  Every single one I was invited to.  Baby showers.  Weddings.  Birthday parties.  Sex toy parties.  Bag parties.  Anything tupperware-ish style parties.  Every.  Single.  One.  And all of their children's birthday parties, for many years.  Guess how many of their kids came to my kids' parties?  Like maybe one or two.  But most of them, zero.  Guess how many people I knew came to my wedding?  My family or my friends?  None.  I had my maid of honor and her hubby and two kids, but every other person there (other than my stinky mother), was on my hubby's side.  That friend that showed up for me that day as my maid of honor?  That was the ONLY party she ever attended of mine the entire time I knew her.  I have two kids, and they came to ZERO birthday parties for either one.  Her two kids?  We went to every single birthday they ever had.  So, while she showed up for me that day, I can't say much else about her that's good (she's not my friend anymore, btw, I finally got tired of her tired-ass bullshit after almost twenty years).  

Do you how how many times I've asked a neighbor for a favor?  Not a single time.  Ever.  I once borrowed money from a friend for a gas bill I needed to pay and I paid it back two days later.  I once borrowed money from my horrible cousin (the one who made us homeless in 2018, but this was before then) to pay my electricity bill, and it took me a couple weeks to pay it back.  Although we were STRUGGLING so bad financially back then.  She acted like an asshole about it, too, even though she knew how bad of a place we were in (though, looking back, this what led her to take advantage of us in 2018).  And one time I had a friend take me and my family to the food pantry to get food because we were broker than a screen door in a hurricane, and she stopped being friends with me after that.  I was an all-time low in my life, my anxiety was so out of control and we had almost no money to live (our rent took our entire check, minus $50) and she kicked me while I was down.  One time I asked for help in my homeschooling group (it was even MY group, I was the owner) and I asked for help cleaning my house because my anxiety was so bad I couldn't get anything done without another adult being around and they all giggled and replied "Why can't your kids help?"  And that was that.  I realized that asking for help just makes people resent you.  And it makes you look weak.  And assholes take your weakness and use it to hurt you.  But I guess, I haven't really had a single REAL friend in my life, because I grew up with a narcissistic parent who taught me to be friends with people like her.  And those fuckers will laugh at you when you need help.  Or they just plain won't show up.

I once reached out to another homeschooling group I was in to ask for parenting help, as my son was out of control when he was little (around age 4) and I didn't know what to do.  And they all told me to "be a better parent and maybe my son would act better".  Little did I know at the time, both my kids have ASD and their acting out was 100% due to their autism.  But instead of helping me or offering me any kind words, they told me I was bad parent.  

This why I don't ask anyone for anything, unless ABSOUTELY necessary.  And even then, sometimes people come through for you and sometimes they don't.  And sometimes, they treat you as though you're a piece of shit for asking.  Like my father-in-law, walking up to our car with an open window and CHUCKING twenty dollars at us and walking away shaking his head, as though we were being moochers.  We needed gas money.  That was it.  And we never asked him or his wife for money ever again (and we hardly ever did before that).  Which led us to eventually doing some unsavory things to get some cash when we needed it (no, we didn't rob any banks or gas stations).  In reality, it wasn't illegal or anything, just borderline wrong.  But when you have two kids and need to feed your family, you do what you have to do (and nobody was ever hurt by anything we did--we aren't those types of people).  

Now my hubby has an amazing job and today he learned he's getting a promotion.  He's not even hired in yet (he works through a temp place first).  This happened the first time he worked here, too.  He's just that cool.  

Oh, I will add something interesting here: the woman who took me to the food pantry?  I didn't realize she had stopped being my friend until we came out of our financial slump (which wasn't that long afterwards) and we were making so much money (my hubby was working seven days a week) that we could afford our bills AND get my son braces!  So, I decided to take her and her son out to go eat so we could repay her for her taking us to the food pantry and whatnot and she ignored me.  So I kept asking her on, and off, and she never ever responded to me again.  I've known her since middle school.  But she made a choice that I guess I wasn't worth talking to unless I was poor??  I have no idea.  So freaking weird.  

Anyways.  My point is that why am I so giving to others when this is how I've been treated myself?  Why do I make myself someone you can count on? (well for normal people).  Why do I put myself into the position to be the person who you send your kid over to sew your broken shit, or give you a cup of sugar, or watch your fucking dog (though I do love dogs more than people), or give you a roll of TP when you're out or drive you places??  Just because I do something once, why do these idiots think they can not only keep asking me, but ask me for and more and MORE until the dam breaks and my rage spills out?  Okay, I have never lost my shit on anyone for asking too much of me but I am raging at home, that's for sure.  So, why do I keep saying yes to these fuckers when I 100% want to say no?  Or rather, I should be saying no.   

That's what I was trying to relay to my therapist.  But she refused to listen and just went on a rant about "building trust" and whatnot and wasn't listening to me.  She was telling me that my issue, something I am truly embarrassed about and never have talked to a therapist about before, was "wrong" and "bad", as though I have any control over it.  I need to understand it before I can control it.  And rather than showing empathy or kindness to me, she scolded me for it.  

Just like my old therapist Marc, when he scolded me for falling into my mother's trap of being nice to me and then her using that against me to hurt me.  "Why did you fall it for Shay?  You know better!"  As though having your own mother be nice to you and you allowing it to make you feel good is wrong and not the most natural thing in the world.  Funny, he once to me to "enjoy the good times" and I told him that I couldn't do that, because if I did, this exact thing would happen.  So, when I did it, and it happened, something I told him that would happen, he's the one who scolded me for it.

I am starting to believe that therapy is a fucking ripoff.  And it's a crock of shit.  My next memoir is going to be about bad therapists.  Because the good ones, like the ones on TV, are far and few between.  I have had ONE good therapist.  One.  Out of (let me count....) at least 8.  

Sigh.

I really really want to bring this shit up to her.  But I know I won't.  Ugh.  I hate this.  

But I do think I on my way to solving my issue with saying yes...to never say yes again.  Well, unless the person is a) in dire need or b) is worth my time.  Everyone else?  Can go to hell.  

Christmas asked me to fix her password issue with her email, but she stopped asking, so I am not offering.  And if she asks again, after the way she's treated me throughout the years, I am going to just keep putting it off.  Now, that's a tactic--I am doing that on purpose.  If I say "no" outright, she will get a new email.  And you know what that means?  My mother and her will be sending shitty emails to each other again.  So...I want to save myself the headache and just hope that Christmas forgets all about email as a whole and never worries about it again.  It's not like she emails people that often.  If I put it off, she hopefully just eventually forget about it.  I know it won't work forever, but it's good for now. And that's one less headache for me--also, even if that weren't the case, I'd make up an excuse to say no because she doesn't deserve my help in the least, and she's not my family.  

And I am not doing any favors for a neighbor ever again.  If they ask, I will say "I am so sorry, but I am so super busy with my own life I just don't have the time.  Sorry!"  Which is the damn truth.  

Now, to just give back the jerk next door's garage clicker.  I can't believe she hasn't asked for it yet.  I bet she's waiting to keep me in reserve.  I kinda want to block her number.  But if there's an emergency, I would like her to message me.  So, I can't completely cut her off.  Which means I also can't be snotty about giving her clicker back.  Which sucks, but oh well.  Or maybe I will be snotty, we'll see.  

So, if Christmas asks me for a favor or if anyone else does, I will use that explanation for saying no.  "Sorry, too busy!"  And that will end that problem for me once and for all.  I can't retract my "yes" if I never say it to people who don't need or deserve my help.  

As for my therapist problem: I don't want a therapist who doesn't have any empathy.  She didn't even listen to me when I said my mother has NPD.  She downplayed it.  So yeah.  I think I will call her office tomorrow and ask for a new therapist.  I hope they ask me why.  I really really do.  I also want to tell them some other things about the way they do their services that I think they should change, too.  

I am so tired.  It's midnight and I need to sleep.  But I will call tomorrow and see how long it will take me to get a new therapist (prolly won't be able to get one--there aren't any available).  

Goodnight.