So, my therapist rescheduled for online and later in the day, per my request.  I just really don't want to waste my time with someone who both doesn't hear me when I speak (I think she's not paying attention...like I said, she didn't hear me the first two sessions, but at number three she did, and said some weird stuff back...though, did she really "hear" me?  Or was she responding to what she thought I meant?) and who thinks she can be negative towards me without knowing me really well.  

I felt like when I tell my mother things: she always takes the other person's side.  

In reality, the only reasons I am still going to see her on Thursday is because a) she's free (but won't be later), and b) I want to see if she gets worse.  That way I have something to write about LOL  

I am also curious to see if she's helpful in any way, but also I feel like if she's going to be jerky to me in the future, even if she's helpful now, it's a waste of my time.  Sigh.  I have a lot of anxiety about talking to her again, but we'll see.  

In other news, my mother is still my mother and hasn't changed much.  She's been nonintrusive and quiet lately (not quiet, but not loud either).  I am in an amazing group for people like me who take care of their shitty narcissistic parents and I realize just how lucky I am with her.  She knows she can't do certain things, so she doesn't, but if she could, she would.  But the fact that she doesn't (most of the time) means I have it so much better than most of the other people in the group.  Sometimes I forget that.  I turned our phone back on (I won't leave her home alone without a phone) and now she can have access to her stupid friends again to talk shit about me and my family.  But she always will, so I have to stop caring.  

I like not having issues to bitch about.  Yes, I have my therapist, but I never asked for someone like her.  I wanted the nice one who interviewed me at first.  I wanted a REAL therapist who knows how to actually be a therapist and not be judgmental or a bully.  If she was nice, I'd be very happy with most things right now.  Other than the fact my sore throat came back yesterday and all day today (until I took an ibuprofen) and I felt like shit all day.  But I am really, really hoping it's just allergies.  Sigh.  People are burning all their stupid yard waste around here and it's making me sick.  But it's the same pain in my left tonsil I had when I was sick.  Like physical pain, not just a sore throat.  

So annoying.  I hope it goes away and it's just a fluke.  But I thought when I was sick it was just a fluke, too and it ended up being horrible.  

Ugh.  

I just want to sew, read books, write books, and go for walks.  Is that too much to ask for?  I feel too cruddy to do any of that.  Though yesterday we did go to the apple orchard, which was fun.  I got to pet some goats who didn't want me touching them LOL  Yay!  But we did get apple cider donuts and hot apple cider, which were both good.  And we bought apple butter, pumpkin butter, and caramel apple fudge.

Tomorrow we have to get up early to bring my dog to the vet.  The expensive one.  UGH.  More money to spend, but I think he has a UTI so his health matters more than our bank account.  I just don't want to pay like $300.  Fucking all these places are PRICE gouging us since the pandemic.  And the prices never went back down.  

I am telling you, each day, we get closer and closer to choosing van life over any of this shit.  It's almost the only way to afford anything anymore.  Ugh.  Though if we do that, I will need one big enough to have a real bathroom in it, because I'll be damned if I will poop in the woods.  

I also got a book by Ruth Sokup (she's an author I read) about clearing out your clutter in 30 days.  So, I am going to start it tomorrow if I feel okay and see where it leads me.  I cannot afford a storage unit (like I said, EVERYONE is price gouging us all these days) so I need to downsize in order to get ready to move.  But not only that, I need to downsize to get ready for the spring thaw.  Our basement becomes a fucking flood zone and it takes us WEEKS to get all the water out, so we need to get rid of our stuff so it doesn't get ruined.  Once that is done, I can get what's left organized so we can figure out what we want to do.  Even if we don't do "van life" (right away or ever), my family and I want to convert a van so we can travel (then convert another one for the kids).  My idea is to travel to different fairs and craft shows around the US to sell my wares at.  My uncle did that for a living (though he stayed at hotels).  So, that way, if my hubby got a remote HR job (he's getting his master's degree in HR), we could actually travel a huge amount of the time and if we made enough money, then we could do van life full time until we saved enough to buy some land/a house on some land.  But then I'll have to figure out where to put my mother.  Though I'd work hard to get her into assisted living then.  But for now, I just need to try my local ones to see how much I can sell.  I also need to get shit listed online and on Instagram to build a client base/following.  That way maybe I'll get the low-down on where else good shows and fairs are to travel to.   

It's just so much work.  But it's something to work towards.  But I am excited to start purging my clutter.  Because five people in a tiny house with too much stuff is just for crazy making.

Yes, I realize this is all over the place, but I have nothing to really talk about here, and I just writing down my silly thoughts for future me to see.