I had an appointment with my new therapist yesterday and it went okay.  But it always takes me at least a day to process the entire experience because when I have a conversation with someone, especially someone I don't know well, but really anyone, all the information bombards me at once and I don't know how I feel about until I can take time to unpack each time by itself.  

So, we've been going over this stupid ass questionnaire, wasting both of our times (and my money) by billing me for something that's out of my control.  This is the THIRD appointment for this stupid thing.  And my third appointment with her.  But this time was different.  The last two times, she seemed hard of hearing and she either couldn't hear what I was saying or misheard what I was saying.  It could have been our connection, except for the fact she did in person, too.  This time, however, she did not mishear me or misunderstand, but was WAY more talkative.  And, more...what's the word?  Opinionated?  Yes, I think that's what I'd say it was.  Which felt odd, since she was normally quiet and hard of hearing.  

Maybe she didn't have her hearing aids in the other two times?  I don't know.  But you'd think if that was the case, she'd cancel our sessions, because what kind of therapist would do therapy when she can't hear their client? 

Anyways.  She was pretty nice the entire time, but there were a few things that struck me as, well, not only odd, but red flaggy.  I say this because I've had SO many therapists in the past (medical card y'all, you don't get to keep therapists for very long) who have irked me on the first, or some date early on, only to show me later that I was right.  So, I listen to my gut instincts when it comes to therapists, or actually anyone, really.  When someone says something "off" or seemingly rude or something of the sort, that's usually a warning sign of what's to come.  And the earlier they do it?  The worse it gets.  I had one completely insane therapist I didn't realize was totally nuts for a freaking year (she was a pathological liar).  But this one is on day three.  I hope they were just flubs and not actually indicative of what's to come, but I always say that.  And it always is the latter.  

This is what we do with red flags: the little ones, we make excuses for them and hope they don't mean anything; the big ones we run away from.  Or we should.  

So, here is the first one she said: 

When I told her I had a hard time telling someone no when they request something from me (like my time), she was fine with it, until I relayed the fact that if I don't want to do it, I will always end up saying no later.  Then she got weird.  I am not sure if she'd still had been weird about me going through with something I didn't want to do (or something that was too much to ask of me to do), or not.  But when she heard that I end up actually saying no, she said "Wow, well, people don't like hearing yes and then end up having that person change their mind.  You have to think about how it makes them feel.  It doesn't build any trust, now does it?"  

I can't tell you how I feel about that.  I still feel pretty weird about it, since I was talking about the idiot next door who asked me to watch her dog for a freaking month (I've written about her many times on here).  I was like, in my head, "Are you sticking up for a bully?  For a user?"  Because I didn't say I do that normally to people, I just do it when I am put on the spot by someone who I don't know very well and I don't want to seem rude by saying no.  I also relayed that I was taught as a child that saying no to someone with a strong personality will get me into trouble.  That every single time I told my mother no she threw a fit and I was punished.  So, I literally fear saying no, esp. in person.  So, I told her I have been learning to say "I will check and see and let you know!" instead.  But she kept harping on me not being trustworthy.  

THEN she, well it felt like she did this, bullied me into telling her no.  It was ridiculous.  She said she wanted to know if I wanted a Thanksgiving dinner for free from her church.  And I said "I really don't want to take one away from someone who needs it.  A few months ago I'd have jumped at the chance, but my husband is working again, and we don't need it, but thank you."  That was not a good enough answer for her.  She literally asked me again and said "I didn't think you'd want one, but the lady from my church was bugging me to ask you."   Huh?  How does the lady from your church know of me?  But then she kept wording it differently, putting me into the position to get nervous and say "I would, but I don't need it."  I was being freaking polite.  But she kept on and on, and eventually outrightly coaxed me to say the word no.  

First of all, why is she offering something personal from her life to her clients?  I am not sure if that's appropriate.  My son told me that she should have asked "Do you or anyone you know need a free Thanksgiving dinner?  If so, I have the information of where you can get one."  But she made this very personal, bragging how great of a job they do and how they "go all out".  From experience, I know that churches never do much of anything for "free", they always expect you to attend their church if they give you something.  She KNOWS I am an atheist, and maybe churches are a trigger for me?  They are and they aren't.  But the fact she made such a huge deal about how wonderful it is and how it's her church, it made it really hard to say no.  And after I did say no initially (by saying "Thank you, but we don't need it at this time"), she kept on about it, I felt pressured to say yes.  I felt she wanted me to agree and then I'd feel indebted to this church.  Did I mention she's a pastor?  So when she says "my church", she means "MY" church.  Second of all, I felt like in the end, she wanted me to say the word "no" as though that was my problem saying no people.  Which cracks me up, because the word "no" is not my issue, it's THIS right here: feeling pressured to say yes and not being able to turn someone down.  I should have said "Let me think about it and I'll get back to you".  That's 100% of what I should have said, because now I am thinking maybe we could use it.  But I am not sure if that's really what I want, or if I feel that way because I feel bad letting her down.  

Sigh.  Therapy is NOT supposed to give you stress, and now this woman is giving me stress.  

First, she tells me that I "can't build trust with people" if I say no after I say yes (which is total bullshit), even though I ONLY brought up my shitty neighbor and her diapered dog that I have no issue with her not trusting me (I even tried to make her not trust me by cancelling on her so she'd stop asking me for fucking favors) and then she puts me in a position to feel pressured to say yes to something, so much so that I am questioning telling her no (and I felt bullied into using the actual word "no").  Is this what therapy is going to be like with her?  If so, I am going to call the place and complain so freaking hard, wasting my time with THREE entire sessions of filling out this questionnaire, only to find out the therapist is insane who tries to push turkey on people.  Also, is the food homemade?  If so, fucking gross.  I would have no problem right off the bat saying "Oh god no!" if I had known that (if that's the case).  But the sheer fact that she called me untrustworthy without really understanding the entire situation is fucking bullshit.  My son added in some wise thoughts on this "Therapy isn't about whether or not you're wrong, it's about finding out why you did the thing she thinks is wrong.  It's about finding out why you have issues saying no to people and working on that, rather than making you think you're doing something horrible to someone else.  Which you aren't, because the people you do this to are pushy people who most likely won't take no for an answer in the first place."  And he's exactly right.  That's who I do this with: pushy rude people who ask me to for too much or people I don't know very well and do not feel comfortable being myself around yet.  I fear telling people no who I don't know how they will react to me saying no.  And after the Thanksgiving dinner issue, I don't feel comfortable telling her no at all. 

And because of all this, when the therapist found out I was an artist, she wanted to book the art room with the art therapist for me for our next session.  Which I do not want to do, but I said yes, because I didn't know how I felt about it.  And now, the next day, I realize I hate doing art in front of others, especially where I am expected to "perform" (the same goes for music).  It's like, yeah, no thanks.  Now, I am stuck having to tell her that I don't want to be in the art room, and fear she will make a big deal out of me saying yes and changing my mind.  So, now I won't be able to see her in person that day because that's the best excuse I can come up with is to tell her to make the appointment on Zoom because of whatever.  I will message her today and tell her that.  Which is annoying, as I HATE doing therapy in my home, as there is zero privacy (this house...I tell you, there is not a single place you can go without people being able to hear you).  

Also, I realized there is another issue with this whole "not being able to say no" thing.  It's not just that I can't say no, I am under massive amounts of anxiety when I talk to other people and they ask something of me.   So, I sometimes think the idea sounds awesome, in the moment, not realizing how I actually feel about it, and I say yes, thinking it's a good idea.  But then I really think about something and remember or realize "Hey, I don't actually like this" or "Yeah, that's not exactly a good thing", etc.  So, even if the issue is not me fearing saying no, but actually thinking something is a good idea, I need to still say "Let me check on that" or "I'll get back to you", even if I think it's a good idea.  I know I fear saying "Let me think about it" because that means saying no will be a choice and the person may get pushy about it, and no amount of answers will be good enough.  So there always has to be a reason for me to say no.  Even if it's a lie.  Or, my favorite no is a "yes-no-yes" type of no.  Meaning say something positive, then decline, then say something positive as an alternative.  "Thanks so much for asking, but I will have to decline, but could you ask so and so instead?"  That's how I got the therapist to stop pushing that fucking dinner on me, I suggested she send the person in charge of the dinners to our local buy and sell and free groups on Facebook because there are always people in there asking for help for all the holidays.  That got her mind off of me and she eventually left me alone about it. 

Yeah, I shouldn't have to do that with my own therapist.  I shouldn't have to come up with ways to get her to stop pressuring me for something.  

The woman who did my intake at this office?  I sooooo wanted her to be my therapist.  She was so kind and nice and sweet.  But now, they stick me with Pastor Pushy.  

Well, we'll see how the next session goes.  Which will be on Zoom (which she also constantly pushes me to do, even though I already told her I prefer in-person as I have zero privacy in my house).  

I am honestly afraid of going back to her.  Red flags this early on?  Yikes.  Let's just hope she was having an off day, but I fear the rest of our time together will be worse.  And I can't be honest with her to tell her how her behavior made me feel.  Because I fear her reaction will be unkind.  The last time I finally got the courage up to tell a therapist how I felt about how he was making me feel, he immediately said "I think you're doing better enough we can bump you down to once a month".  Which I was not doing better.  He's also the one who shamed me for falling into my mother's trap of being nice to me, EVEN THOUGH he told me to enjoy it when she's nice to me....what the fuck?  Yeah.  I kind of hate therapists.  And I think I feel a memoir coming on.  So I guess keep em coming, right?  I guess I could look at this way: keep going to the bad therapists so I can get material for a book.   But hardly ever do they start being so bad so early on.  This one worries me.  But hey, maybe she can give me lots of material?  

Sigh.  That's enough about her for now.  I am sure I will be back with more about her next week.  Yay.