Today my mother said in the backseat of the car on the way to the doctor's office "With your birthday coming up, you should give me some of my money so I can take you out to dinner." 

I replied "I hate going out to eat, you know this."  

She said back "Yeah, but this place is vegetarian.  It's called 'brick' something." 

"Yes, Brick House Brewery, I know all about it.  The kids want to go to there."

"Everyone says it's so good.  We should go for your birthday."  

I started seething in the front seat.  Everything about this conversation was pissing me off.  I was rolling my eyes and making faces to make myself feel better.  She couldn't see me.  I know she has dementia.  And I know it's getting worse.  But in this instance, I truly did not know if this was her narcissism or her dementia speaking.  And knowing how she's been in the past, I can only assume it's her narcissism.  But just in case it was her dementia, I didn't say anything back to her.  I let her have her moment of feeling "normal" for a second.  Granted, had it been her dementia, she wouldn't have remembered she doesn't have control of her money. 

Here's what I wanted to say: 

"How can you even fathom taking me out to dinner for my birthday?  You tortured me for YEARS, my entire life, forcing me to go out to eat with you, not only for your birthday, but everyone else's birthday, plus my own.  And never, not once, did you ever take me, or anyone else in my family, where we actually wanted to go.  Back when I was actually vegetarian, I wanted to go to The Greenhouse, remember?  And you said you'd take me.  But on the day of my birthday, you said 'No, we're going to go 'The 6 Pennies'', which was your favorite place to go.  Just like you did every single year for every single person.  Then one day I actually made you go to Famous Dave's for my husband's birthday, you had a meltdown the entire time and screamed at us all the way home.  And I told you then, and I meant it, I would never EVER go out to eat with you again.  That was only five years ago, Ma.  And I've held to that ever since.  Also, what makes you think you could go out to eat?  You have horrible bowel issues that will make you shit your pants if you don't get to a bathroom quick enough after you eat.  I am no longer vegetarian, and haven't been over ten years, and I HATE HATE HATE going out to eat!  I have hated it my entire life and you always knew it and still know it!!  And you love it so very much so you forced me to go with you!!!  You'd take me out to eat, and I'd always have a horrible panic attack during dinner, and you'd use that time to shame me and pick on me and make fun of me!!!  WHY WOULD I EVER WANT TO SUBJECT MYSELF TO THAT AGAIN?????!!  Please, kindly, go fuck yourself with that shit.  And kiss my ass because I would rather shit in the middle of the mall's food court on top of a table then go out to eat with you again!!" 

But I didn't say any of that.  I didn't even answer her.  I just let her ramble on about what she read about the restaurant and thought of something else in my mind while she spoke.  

I hate going places with her.  I hate talking to her most of the time.  Sometimes she's nice to talk to.  But mostly, she's telling me what to do, or asking me for shit.  OR coming up with stupid way to try to ruin my birthday.  

Well, it's a month or so away.  I'll come up with something to do with my ACTUAL family instead.  I don't need to worry about what the old woman that I take care of wants for my birthday.  Because it has nothing to do with her at all. 

Actual picture my son took of the eclipse.

So, over last weekend, we drove down to Carbondale, Illinois to watch the eclipse on Monday.  We wanted to see the full eclipse, because where we live, we only had a partial view of it.  And I've never seen a full real one, and OMG I was not prepared for what I saw!  I mean, this picture above is one my son took and that's what it looked like in real life!  All I can say was when I finally took off my glasses and looked up I, I gasped and tears filled my eyes because it was an astronomical marvel!  Yes, it only lasted for a little more than three minutes, but wow, those three minutes were utter amazingness.  In those moments I felt a part of something truly awesome and something everyone around us were a part of it, too.  In those moments, I felt so utterly human, so aware of my smallness and the bigness of the universe around me.  It was truly humbling.  I had no words.  I was speechless.  

Afterwards, we travelled around Shawnee National Forest and got lost.  We started following random signs and we ended up here: 

Burden Falls.  This was truly amazing and awesome!  Not as much as the eclipse, but it was great in its own right.  

We stayed at a few hotels, one was super fancy!  The other ones were crappy compared to that one.  They were discriminatory though, as they didn't allow us to get free breakfast, even though we paid over $200 for the room.  All because we got a slight discount through Expedia (nowhere does it say that on the website).  I found that be a bit assholey.  But whatever.  

Then we get home and.....it all starts over again.  I found out that my mother acted like a little kid, like she always does whenever I am gone, and disregarded my rules and did however she pleased.  And then she came to my bedroom door, while my kids were on my bed loving up the dog we didn't take with us (Arthur, who was super depressed while we were gone), and she put one foot into my room.  I said to myself "Oh wow, there's her foot, pretty soon her body will follow".  And sure enough, came the second foot.  Then she started scooting in.  I was standing there, facing her, and she didn't care.  I think she thought her "inching" into my room would go unnoticed, but eventually, after she started craning her neck around my TV, I said enough was enough.  So I said "I need to go get my water from the kitchen" and then started walking towards her to usher her out.  She went without complaining, thank goodness. but now I have to watch her.  She's lately been asking to open my door for my dogs, and asking the kids to let her go in my room while I am sleeping to get her cigarettes.  Um...like that's ever going to happen. So, this incident, while may be a one-off thing, I need to pay attention to, so I don't wake up one day with her sneaking around my room.  

On the way to Carbondale, we stopped to see some family of mine.  It was weird.  Like it always is.  And I was glad to leave.  I hate small talk.  And I was soooo tired because forced socialization makes me sleepy AF.  One of the family members was planning on coming with us, but decided not to go, and I was soooooo glad!  My family and I are best left to our own devices.  I can't have actual fun with strangers tagging along.  

It was a really fun trip.  Except for the part where I found out that I am prolly allergic to milk.  So that was fun.  And extremely anxiety inducing.  And a huge part of my diet is milk, so now I guess I am going to learn how be milk-free.  I used to not eat dairy, because I was told my allergist that I was allergic to dairy (and they said I was allergic to peanuts, soy, wheat, and eggs).  And it turns it, I wasn't allergic to any of them (at the time).  They had tested me and I reacted to all of those things, but then again, I also reacted to everything else, plus the negative (which you aren't supposed to react to).  But now I have to learn how to eat dairy free foods all over again, as it's been a long time since I've done that.  

I will call my doctor tomorrow and see about getting an appointment with an allergist to see what's up.  Granted, I wont eat any dairy until then, but most likely, I will never eat dairy again.  

I hate being allergic to a food.  It scares me.  But, my hubby is allergic to anchovies and my oldest son is allergic to shrimp (he has FPIES).  

So I spent a large amount of my time worrying about this, but before that happened, I was having a blast :)  I even walked around the national forest by myself (with Kobe) and didn't have any anxiety.  It was great!  

I can't let my mother shadow our trip with her assholery.  I won't let her.  Because that's what she wants to do.  So, instead, I am going to just remember this trip as one of a awesomeness :)  I got to spend a bunch of time with my kids and we all had so much fun together.  That's all that matters.  My hubby stayed home because of his job and he took care of my crazy mother (and our other wonderful dog).  I wish he could have come with, but even with just us three, we had a blast.  The eclipse was an amazing experience and I am so happy that I actually went with (I was terrified of going, as I hate traveling).  

And that's it.  Nothing else.  My mother can go be a ding-dong however much she likes, and she can't ruin it for us.  I have to stop letting her ruin anything for us.  Because while I was there, I did find a home for her to go to.  So, if all else fails, I know where mother will be living LOL 

Shady Pines, ma!!

When my mom smokes the Mary Jane, she turns into a zombie.  Like, a total braindead zombie.  She can't even comprehend normal sentences.  So, my son has tried to get her high a couple times, even though I don't want him to, but since my mom is a badass, she wants to go behind my back and do things she's not supposed to.  She doesn't know but I kind of don't give a fuck.  

It's not like I want her to be high regularly.  And it's not like I don't know when its happening, as my son tells me beforehand.  But out of the three times he's tried, none of the times has she gotten high.  See, he only gives her a tiny little hit off of his vapes and she will pretend they affected her.  But ONLY when she's alone.  "Oh, I so totally felt it when I was in my room, oh my god!"  Not you didn't, but good try there badass.  The hits she's taking are sooooooooo tiny, that they wouldn't affect a baby, much less a plus-sized adult.  But she loves to be a badass, so she will pretend like she's feelin' it. 

Of course she never acts high whenever he's given it to her and she functions perfectly normal.  But sure, whatever, ma. *eyeroll*  Pretend all you like.  I've seen my mother high a few times when I was a kid, like actually high, and like I said, she turns into a total zombie.  

Now she's gonna brag to her friend Christmas that my son lets her get high.  Which is silly, but she can tell her friends whatever she likes.  She's not been high on weed once since I was in sixth grade.  But sure.  Brag to your friend what a bad ass you are LOL 

Well, at least she's not being a bitch anymore to me.  So that's something, right?  Let her have her fantasies.  At least she's not making my life a living hell anymore.  And that's all I can ask for.  

I just thought this was quite funny, so I wanted to share it.  I need a nap now as I feel like balls because my POTS keeps acting up and I keep getting headaches and sleep attacks.  Ugh.  

Whooeee.  Life's been crazy in our house this past month (and more).  Not with my mother, so much.  A little bit, but nothing narcissism-wise.  She needs knee replacements, she doesn't quality for them, and now they're pressing her to do in-person physical therapy twice a week for whatever amount of time and we literally cannot do that.  Esp. since the office has particular times that we can't make it to.  So, sadly, she's fucked.  I am not happy about this.  I don't like my mother, but I do care about her well-being and I do not want her to suffer.  Esp. since, the fix is easy: Medicare needs to allow for physical rehab afterwards.  But they will only do that if she's hospitalized.  Sigh.  

Then we have me: I either have another kidney stone, or the one I've had since Dec. hasn't passed.  And if it doesn't pass in three weeks, I will need to have a procedure to remove it (it's called surgery, but they don't open you up, it's just a probe and laser in your urethra to break it up).  

And even though my gastritis keeps flaring (minimally--finally!) it's been getting soooo much better, thank goodness.  I can eat more foods now.  I am thinking of adding peanut butter to my list eventually.  I have to add food back into my diet very slowly and only one at a time, otherwise my stomach is a mess.  But I am very grateful it's been on the mend finally.  

And last night we spent the entire night in the ER with my son, who I found out passed out on the floor last night.  When I woke him, he was barely responding to me and could not form words.  He is not an alcoholic, but it does run on his father's side of the family (pretty thickly, I might add) and he really needs to watch what choices he makes.  He's a great person and sometimes likes to indulge in weed or drinking (usually he and his brother drink with their friends online on weekends), but last night?  I have no idea what happened.  Neither does he.  He didn't think he drank that much---but he had a Four Loco, and he barely remembers drinking a second one and (along with some beers beforehand) and it didn't hit him all at once.  In fact, he was drunk at a normal level for HOURS before the Four Locos hit him and he passed out and fell off his chair.  He's lucky he didn't get a concussion or worse.  We're also lucky I went to tell him goodnight, otherwise he could have...well, you know what could have happened.  Like I said, he's not a drinker.  But he's also not a lightweight when it comes to drinking (that also runs on his father's side).  So how this happened as bad as it did, well, he never wants to drink those Four Locos again, that's for sure.  Geezus.  That was scary.  My uncle died this way.  Granted, my uncle went on a bender and drank himself to death (while completely naked), but that's how it happened.  He choked on his own vomit.  My son almost did that as a toddler.  It was the middle of the night and I got up to pee and heard noises from his room and found him on his back choking.  He could have died (and that's why I coslept with my kids until they were old enough to want to sleep on their own).  

And that's why people should never live alone.  Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

Anyways. Now he feels like shit and will be in bed all day.  

My mother has been a good girl lately.  I think she should have another cat scan to see if she's had any recent strokes.  She got a new doctor because her doctor tried to not prescribe her medication she needs to live a normal life, claiming we need to get it filled through a specialist.  Even though HE was the one who said to fill it through him and we have for years.  But out of the blue he just decided to stop.  No warning.  Nothing.  So, I am done with him.  My mother tried to protest, but she literally hates him but since I hate him she wants to keep seeing him.  It's so fucking childish.  But I told her what he did and she agreed to see the new one.  

Well, I just had Walmart delivered, so I need to go bring it in.  But that's all for now.  Oh yes, I also have to go under for an ablation next month, so that's two procedures I need to have done in a short amount of time, both under anesthesia.  I may not need the kidney stone one, but I do need to the ablation.  Ugh.  I just wish this would pass and I catch it in that little screened funnel they gave me so we can see what it's made from so we can prevent another from happening.  I hate peeing in that thing.  And I have to take it with me places!!  It's so awkward to use and I have to wash it after every use and I don't have a sink in my bathroom right now.  Well, it's better than being in pain, so I guess I can't complain about that.  I was in pain for so long.  So I am very VERY grateful I am so much better right now.  

Okay, that's enough.  Gotta go get my groceries.   

Well, the whole "forgiving my mother" thing I haven't really been active with...minus the fact that I do see her dementia causing her to do things she normally doesn't do (like forgetting how to make oatmeal) and it makes me sad.  But beyond that, she's been annoying the hell out of me by asking other people to take her to her appointments other than my husband.  No reason.  She just don't want to "put him out".  It's freaking irritating.  Thank goodness my son's sleeping schedule got messed up other she'd be bothering him at 7:30 am to take her to her lab appointment tomorrow.  

My son will NEVER take my mother anywhere, unless I come with.  She's a horrible person to him and has been for his entire life and he's made the decision to never go anywhere with her.  Not even with us as a family.  Oh boy, I tried to take her to a garden place with us and he had a total meltdown about it.  I couldn't have been more proud :)  

For real.  He's a very forgiving person and has always thought I was harsh in the way I treat people (I have boundaries--he used to not have them for himself).  But now he has built boundaries with her and now never wants anything to do with her hasn't for over a year.  I think last May for Mother's Day and her birthday was his last straw.  We do everything for her.  EVERYTHING.  And she had the nerve to shit-talk my husband to her BFF Christmas and because of that (I heard her when she did it), my mother didn't get any gifts that month for anything.  No Mother's Day or birthday gifts, no cards.  Nothing.  I was so freaking angry.  And my son saw just how toxic she was, that nobody was safe from her wrath and he's been done with her ever since.  

And I don't blame him.  

She thinks he will take her to get her haircut, to her appointments, etc.  Like her little personal chauffeur.  And she needs to stop, as he'll never once take her anywhere, ever again.  I am proud of him for sticking to his guns.  Also, she gives him extreme anxiety.  And he's been super anxious lately.  So, I am not going to make anything worse for him by asking him to take her places (plus, I wouldn't ask him anyways).  She just thinks we're all at her beck and call.  And we're not.  My husband takes her to her appointments, and I come with if she needs a haircut or has to go somewhere special (like a funeral, which is why she's getting her haircut, her old friend died and his funeral is soon).  And that's it.  My other son doesn't drive and even if he did, he wouldn't take her either.  

I am sorry, but how often did she take my kids places?  How many times did she have them over for dinner (when we all know she had enough food) or did a single thing for my kids???  I will bring that up to her one day.  Especially if she asks why they won't take her.  "I don't want my kids to take you anywhere."  She'll ask why and I'll say "Well, how often did you do anything for them?  How often did you promise to do things for them but never followed through?  How often did you take them places or hung out with them?  How many times did you ask them to come over to play a board game or watch a movie?  Even when they lived in your house with me?  How often did you just hang out with my kids?  Or take them to THEIR appointments?  Or even come with to their appointments?  Not once.  Never.  You took me to my appointments when I couldn't drive, not happily, buy you did sometimes.  And so I took you to all your appointments for years.  I even made them for you.  But you messed that up so now my husband takes you.  That's the only person who will ever take you to your appointments.  So stop asking!"  If she asks how she messed it up, I will say "You were rude to me and about me to the people we were seeing.  You treated me badly, so I stopped taking you."  

And that's that.  

In order to forgive my mother, I need to work on my anger towards her for the things she's done to me.  And I honestly have no idea if I can do that.  It took me TWELVE years after my father's death to forgive him and move on.  I think it may take that long with my own mother, too.  I don't think I can forgive her while living with her, and maybe not even while she's still here on earth.  My mother was horrible to me for longer than my father was.  And even though the things my father did were HUGE things (like a knife gashing me every so often), my mother's things she did were like little needles poking at me every single day of my life, over and over again.  Eventually those needle holes became huge gaping wounds that never stopped hurting and never stopped getting bigger.  

I want to forgive her for my own sake.  But how?  How can I when she's still poking me with needles every now and then?  

Like I said before in my post about my kids going to Germany this coming summer, my kids got tickets to see Rammstein in their homeland (my kids are only a little German, but I meant the band's homeland).  And recently my mother had looked at me and said "Well, what are we going to do while their gone??  Your husband will be at work and we'll be all alone!!  We should plan to do some fun stuff!"  

Someone.  Please.  Help.  Me.  

I didn't want to tell her the truth.  I mean, I wish I could, but it would be rude and wrong and mean.  But at least it would be the truth.  I am not mean, rude, or cruel.  I am not her.  But here are the things I wish I could say to that request of hers:

• I can't hang out with you alone because you are not my safe person.  You CAUSE me anxiety, rather than calm it.  So I can't be alone with with you.  Like ever.  
• You are cruel.  You have been nothing but cruel to me and my oldest son since our births.  What makes you think that I want to hang out with my abuser?
• You only want to "hang out with me" so you can dictate what we do and control me, just like you used to back in the day.  I think you want to relive the "old days" with me, back when YOU were in charge of my life.
• What makes you think I'd ever want to spend a day alone with you, much less a week?  You have never apologized for one thing you've ever done wrong to me and you never once corrected the fact that you told everyone I was lying about the abuse I endured growing up in our household.  You've also never once apologized for telling all your friends that I was lying about being raped, when they shouldn't have even known about it in the first place.  You told them all I was a whore.  And now you deny ever saying it, because all but one person who heard it is dead,.  Tell me again why you think I'd even remotely like you after doing such shitty things?
• I don't like you.  I care about your well-being as a person, but I do not like you at all, much less love you.  Why would I want to have "girl-time" with an old, rude, cruel, and mean narcissist that I don't like?  
• Why would I choose to hang out with you over my husband?  Don't be an idiot.
• You always tell my youngest son that he needs to go to culinary school and be a chef when you see him cooking.  YET whenever you see my oldest cooking you tell him he's doing it wrong, just like you used to do with me.  Why would I want to hang out with a person who treats my children so shittily?  Also, you've never once said I should go to any school, ever, even when I showed promise as a musician or an artist.  So why do you say that him?  Oh, if I ever have the "pleasure" of hanging out with you alone one day?  I will bring that up and tell you how stupid you sound saying it.  Even my youngest son thinks it sounds fake as fuck.  
• I just can't wrap my head around why on earth you'd think, after all you've done to me, my kids, my husband, and everyone else in your life, that I'd want to spend a second with you??  You see me leave the room when you come into the room, and you know I don't like you.  So stop pretending we're buddies.  We never were.  You were my abuser who controlled everything we did together (even when I was a kid).  I didn't know any better back then.  And I will tell you that if ever bring the fact that we used to hang out all the time together.  
• No thank you.  
• *laughs incessantly*  Oh wait, you're serious?  Oh.  Sorry.  But no.  *leaves room*
• You made your bed with me.  You chose this.  The way I feel towards you now is your own fault.  Not mine.  I didn't do any of this.  I didn't do anything to you.  All I ever did was fail you, over and over, since I was old enough to think for myself.  Nothing I've ever done has been good enough for you.  But now I look back and realize I was trying to please a potato!  A potato cannot be pleased.  It's a freaking potato for goodness sake!  Why did I ever think that a potato could parent me, love me, or treat me well?  It's a potato!  Potatoes aren't capable of any of those things.  All they can do is be a potato.  Well, I am done hanging out with potatoes.  I am done trying to make starchy tuber happy.  And I feel so stupid that I ever cared what a potato thought of me.  Doesn't that sound crazy??  It sounds like a crazy person, doesn't it?  To try to make a potato happy or to make one proud of you?  That's crazy-making.  I am so done with that.  I am now only here to provide you with care: to keep you physically safe, feed you, clean up after you, wash your clothes, and provide a home for you to live in.  That's my job.  That's it.  By being a potato, you've proved that I am worth nothing to you unless you need me.  And that's not a mother-daughter relationship, now is it?  That's a caretaker/patient relationship.  So that's what we are.  And when you don't need the care I provide for you, I am free to do what I like.  I am under obligation to provide you with entertainment.  I am sorry if you don't see it this way, but this the exact way you made it.  I didn't create this dynamic between us, you did.  And because of that, we're not buddies.  We're not friends.  I am your caretaker.  If you need a friend, call your BFF Christmas.  

Um, what just happened?  I think my mother's dementia is getting worse OR mother was just having one of her (now) occasional meltdowns.  They used to be daily, but now they are 1-2 times a year.  All because of the last one she threw, I threatened to put her in jail if she did it again (though I should have had her committed that time).  

Anyways, yesterday morning, she was knocking on my bedroom door, yelling about where her 17-year old cat is.  My son and husband and I were watching "The Floor" with Rob Lowe, which is kind of entertaining.  So we paused it and I said "She's most likely in your room."  She said "She's not!  I can't find her!"  I said she could be outside.  She started freaking out, saying she went outside to die.  I said why would she be dying?  She was fine yesterday and wasn't sick.  She screamed that the cat doesn't need to be sick to die!  I was so confused and said yes she does.  Or she needs to be showing signs of dying.  She screams "I can tell!!!  I know she's dying!!!"  I said "Well, I don't know what to tell you.  That makes no sense, but okay."  She went off to go smoke outside and I went into her room and gave it a once over for the cat.  Then my son went into the kitchen and found her on the chair, where she sleeps every damned day, curled up on a pillow.  So I opened the back door and said "YOUR CAT IS WHERE SHE IS EVERY SINGLE DAY!  SHE'S SITTING AT THE TABLE!"  And then I went back to my room.  I could have been nicer about it, but she was screaming at me, as though I was being insane for thinking she was insane.  

So, she came to my room and said "Where on the table is she?" I said "I didn't say on the table, I said at the table.  She's the chair with the pillow, where is she every single day."  Then she went out there, snatched up her cat and brought her to her room.  

The entire thing was so freaking weird, as she's never acted that freaked out about a cat before, not even her favorite cat.  Several years ago, like 5, this same cat was PISSING BLOOD and she said "Oh, she's old, let her die!  It's her time!"  The cat was not old, and when I went to take her to the vet, she had stopped peeing blood.  

I am telling you, her dementia is going to make her totally crazy.  I am sooooo not looking forward to that.  

But now realizing it had to be her dementia, I will be nicer to her when she's freaking out (unless she's getting violent--then I will be calling the police).  It's just that I've been dealing with her giving me this type of behavior for my entire life.  And I used to always be nice to her, and she used to treat me like horrible shit.  So now, I don't have to put up with it anymore, but now it may not even be her fault.  Ugh.  Kind of not fair, right?  Oh well.  I will try to do better next time.  Whether she deserves it or not.  

Oh yeah, I totally forgot what it was like to be my mother's lackey or to be under her spell.  But last night I found an old journal of mine and found my second entry from August 26, 2009: 

The kids started school today, it was my oldest's first day of middle school and nobody called to wish him luck (this was my kid's second year of school, as they were homeschooled up until then).  Not my ex, his father, or even my own mother.  But then again, my mother hasn't called me in days.  And the last time I talked to her I was the one who called her and she acted like I was bothering her.  I know her husband has cancer and they have his two kids in the house, but why all of a sudden leave me by the wayside?  She used to call me constantly, more than once a day (and yes, it annoyed me sometimes).  I guess you don't know what have until it's gone.  Not that she's gone, just busy.  And she has lots of new friends.  You know, I just realized how selfish that sounds.  Why would I want my mom to be alone and dependent on me for company?  I don't know.  I guess it's just that I the one alone now.  And I don't how to deal with that.  But I am determined to this school year.  I won't be like I was last year.  I refuse to be like that again.  

Let's break this down, shall we?  

First of all, my mother was the only person I really talked to, other than people around my mother (like her friends and my uncle) outside of my house.  So when I say I was being "selfish" by wondering why she left me all alone, I meant I was actually alone.  Without my mother in my life, and the people around her, I had nobody when my husband was at work and my kids were at school.  And when I referred to "I won't be like last year", I meant that the previous year I was so bad with my anxiety that I had passive suicidal ideation (meaning I wanted to die, but I did not want to kill myself) and I maybe should have been committed to a facility.  And that was partially because of the way my mother had treated me that year, the kids first year at school, even knowing damn well how bad my anxiety was.  She was doing the same things, but even worse, because when I did go over to her house, she'd complain about me and make fun of me to her husband in front of me.  She'd shame me for being so bad with my anxiety, and her husband would join in.  One way was that back then I was obsessed with having low blood sugar (something I did have from time to time, but I was obsessed with thinking I always had it) and I would go over there and get a piece of bread, put peanut butter on half of it, and fold it over and eat it.  And one time her husband looked at me and said "Don't you ever eat at home?!"  Like taking a half sandwich of peanut butter was putting anyone out.  He also seemed to forget that before him, I was welcome to take whatever I wanted to eat at her house.  Even though I hardly ever did anyways.  

When my mother got with him, a man who I introduced her to (he was my old friend's boyfriend and father of her children--kids who were the same age as mine), she immediately dropped me.  Imagine The Gilmore Girls where if Lorelei got with a boyfriend and all of a sudden stopped talking to Rory.  That was my life (minus the cute fun times between us).  My mother took over every aspect of my life and inserted herself into everything we did, until she made a better friend or, like this time, got a boyfriend.  Then I was ignored, picked on, and she even went as far as to act disgusted when I or my children were around.  My presence was only needed in her life when she needed something from me.  

And there I was, in 2009, living alone across town for the first time in my life, left all alone in a scary three-story house in the ghetto all day long, and my mother could care less.  And I was the one who felt guilty for being upset that she was snubbing me.  

Boy, things sure have come a long way since then.  

So, here I am now, in 2024, on this new path to forgiveness and healing, and I come across this journal entry, reminding me of all the crap she's done to me in the worst possible ways.  

Sigh.  

So, what to do with this information?  How to process it?  

I am reminded of a book called "The Journey" by Brandon Bays which uses a type of hypnotherapy/meditation script to help you with this sort of thing.  As well as the book "The Toltec Path of Recapitulation" by Victor Sanchez which has you write down everyone and everything that's ever happened to you (including jobs, places in your life, etc.) and see which ones have negative feelings attached to them and then work through them also with meditation/hypnotherapy.  I think that using a combination of the two may help here.  And may help with all of this as a whole.  

Not only that, I am studying to be a hypnotherapist, and I think if I started my classes back up, I could not only help myself, but eventually help others in the same way.  But one thing at a time, right?  Let's start here, with my own mother and helping myself forgive her of her issues (with still having boundaries in place with her as she lives with us).  And by "forgive her", I mean "heal myself".  They are interchangeable, as that's the only true way to heal, to release their actions from your heart and soul.  

When I healed myself of my father's abuse in 2012, twelve years after his death, it was because I understood him and forgave him.  But with my mother, it's so different, because even though my dad was a horrible person, I never doubted he loved me, in his own way.  Whereas my mother loves no one.  Her love is control and manipulation.  She's incapable of real love.  And I have to learn to be okay with that.  And I already kind of am.  I just have a hard time dealing with the things she's done to me.  And still does to me.  Though the things she does today are not the same.  Or maybe I am not the same.  Or it's both.  I still have issues with my father, from time to time but I don't live with his words anymore.  I don't live with his past abuse.  Not on a day to day basis.  Though I do live with my mother's past abuse.  And I need to move past that now.  I am not the same person I was when she abused me.  I do not fear her (though I do fear her bothering me).  I am not her daughter anymore.  I call her my mother, but she's really not.  I don't see her as my mother, and realize she never really was.  She's a person who took on the mother role, but never actually figured out how to do it right.  

So, I going to see if I can find some audio for the meditation in "The Journey" so I can work with that.  And, as I am writing this, I am rereading "The Toltec Path of Recapitulation" (although I don't like the idea of doing the mediations in a box...which I have never done).  You can find both books on Everand (the former Scribd).  

I will be still be exploring my spirituality (as I wrote about last time), and last night I started with a list of affirmations from the book "The Lotus and the Lily".  I plan to read them aloud to myself each night  (I will share them here next time).  I also want to start with more meditations, which I have in my "Calm" app that I paid for for a year (a half price sale for New Year's!).  I also want to watch Thich Nhat Hanh's "Walk With Me" again.  I own it on DVD because I love it so much.  It's like mindfulness in motion.  And I want to spend more time in nature.  Like right now, we are enveloped in fog here, and there's snow on the ground and it's almost 40 degrees.  It's gorgeous out!  I want to go out there and sit, but I just saw a possum prowling around by my patio furniture, so I am not sure I want to go out there.  But my entire life has been about nature from as early as I can remember.  I need to spend as much time outside as possible.  

I also need to immerse myself in music again, too.  So much of my life has been misaligned (just like my oracle card told me to look into) and now I realize just far off from my soul's purpose I've become. 

All.  Due.  To.  My.  Mother.  

Well, not all, but literally like 98% of it.  

And I say no more.  Realigning myself back to who I was will help me so much mentally, which in turn will help me physically, too.  

Okay, off to reread my books and I will be sure to share what I learn here.  So maybe if what I say speaks to you, maybe it can help you, too?  

I've been sick since the day after Thanksgiving.  I was sick for two straight weeks around Halloween in 2023, too, but it let up until Thanksgiving.  It's January 25, 2024 now, and I am still dealing with the aftermath of my out of control acid reflux (and every time I take meds for it, my gums itch...it's so weird because they are 3 different classes of medication, so why?? I really hope it's not related and is just an issue with my gums themselves--I see the dentist soon so maybe we can get to the bottom of this).  

But since I've been sick, I've had time to really think and reevaluate my life and what I am doing and how I am living.  And I've come to the conclusion that my life is filled with way too many things.  Things such as: 

• Stress
• Junk
• Anxiety
• Did I mention junk?

Spirituality.  

I had my endoscopy yesterday.  They called me on Tuesday and said "Can you come tomorrow?" I said yes.  I was terrified, but I did it.  And I had to go into the procedure and prep alone, without my husband, and while I was very panicked, it ended up being okay.  I also remember waking up thinking I dreamed about Scooby Doo.  But I am not if you dream under sedation or not.  

They said my throat was great and there were no lesions and while I did have polyps in my stomach, they looked normal and the guy said he had the same ones.  But they did biopsies on them, as well as my small intestine to check for celiac's and also a biopsy or something to check for H. Pylori.  So, everything should come back in a week to see if anything comes up, if not, then I have no idea what to do next.  I am hoping it all just goes away with my new diet, but I can't even get a new diet until I start getting better as I can't eat much of anything and what I can eat, I have to eat every single day.  It's annoying.  

But, I do seem to be getting better in some regards as I can eat more than I used to be able to.  So that's something.  Not only that, smelling food doesn't make me want to puke anymore, now it smells good.  So that's a step in the right direction.  When I can start eating more normal again, I am fully committing to a PBWF diet (plant based whole foods) with a small amount of cheese and/or a small amount of meat once a week.  Considering I am doing well on a similar diet now (though it's highly limited), I think I can do it this time.  There is a great YouTube channel and website called "Well Your World" that I am going to start getting recipes from so I can do this right.  Unlike last time where I got so hungry because I couldn't figure out what to cook.  

On the mother front, she's been off in her own little world, which I don't blame her as she has her own issues to worry about.  I just hate that I have to worry about hers and mine, when I'd rather just concentrate on mine (and my family's).  But the time for a home is coming soon, as she's losing her ability to walk.  But she can still get around for now, so we'll see.  

She's been pushing back on getting away from us after she's been smoking again...I thought we were done with this issue??  But I guess not.  I've also realized she NEVER washes her hands.  Well, soon we'll have a new shower, a new bathroom floor and a new sink.  So there will be no excuse (and I'll have signs posted everywhere to remind her--though that will happen before the sink is put in, because EW!).  

Okay, that's it for now.  I am sure I could write more but that's really all I can think of.  I just want this acid reflux to go away as I feel like everything in my body is burning.  Ugh.  

Have you ever seen that show called "Sister Wives"?  Well, of course you have.  But even if you haven't, I know you've at least heard of it (or maybe you live under a rock?).  It's about four women named Meri, Janelle, Christine, and Robin married to one narcissistic man, Kody Brown.  As of 2024 (after like ten or more seasons), the three earliest wives have all left Kody, only leaving the fourth and final (so far) wife, Robin.  And the world is all blaming Robin for it. 

Yet, I don't get why.  

The show started when Kody started courting Robin and while I've only watched the first few seasons and other episodes here and there (though I've probably seen most of the current season, too), I can safely say that the way the world hates on Robin is just stupid.  I honestly do not believe she's the criminal mastermind they all make her out to be.  It's more like she's a total people pleaser and Kody is the idiot in charge and Robin just does whatever she has to do keep him happy.  And  because of that, they all blame her.  But the thing is, women who grew up fundamentalist religious families, like Robin, are taught to be obedient.  So, why are they all hating on her for being what she was taught to be?

I mean, I can totally relate to Robin's plight (minus marrying a second narcissist), as I was as single mom with young kids when I met my hubby.  And my hubby's entire family thinks I am the reason my husband walked away from them.  They think I am the criminal mastermind, luring my poor defenseless husband into my life to provide for me and our kids (like what they all think Robin did to Kody) and to leave them all behind.  They all think he's too dumb to think for himself and that I am some kind of controlling asshole (neither of which is true), which is how they all see Kody and Robin, too.  It's so stupid and silly because they are all just choosing to ignore the truth.

But if you follow the show you can easily see what's actually going on: Robin is loyal to Kody because Robin is a people pleaser (which is also why she cries a lot), and so Kody dotes on Robin and her kids and treats them better than he does his other kids and wives.  Not because Robin asks him to, but because Kody wants to send a message to the rest of the family: if you are not loyal to me, you are nothing to me.  This is a total narc move, people!  Everything the narcissist does, they do for a specific reason.  EVERYTHING.  And it's either to get what they want, or to make someone feel the way they want them to feel.  He's saying "Do you want to see what happens when you don't bow down to me?  I will reject you and act like you don't matter to me!"  You see this constantly with Kody, as he's always talking shit about his kids on the show (though not Robin's kids) and not showing up to important things for them for his children, letting them all down the way he thinks they let him down.  Which is bullshit, because all the kids did was not do what he asked.  The narcissist cannot deal with not being worshipped, so they will get revenge when they don't feel in control anymore.  And for some reason, they all blame Robin for it.  But the things is, Kody knows exactly what he's doing.  And Robin has no say so in what Kody says or does.  You always see her telling him "Hey, you better patch things up with your other wives!"  Or "You better stop doting on me or else they will all get jealous!"  But that's his plan.  That was always his plan.  The other wives are not obedient anymore, and he only wants obedient wives (and kids), and so he doesn't want to work things out them.  He wants to punish them.  But not outrightly, he wants to make them feel lesser and neglected, the way he feels.  So, he dotes on the obedient wife.  He wants to make sure they feel hurt and horrible before he starts in on the smear campaigns (which he always resorts to, as well).  That way it looks like it was their fault all along.  When in reality, he made them jealous on purpose so he could blame them for being jealous and make it seem like everything is their fault.  

And Kody?  Is at fault for nothing.  

We all thought they were super nice and super sweet and Kody was a great guy when the show started.  But little by little, throughout the years since the show first aired, we could see Kody's "nice guy" mask fall away to show the ugly little permed troll that lay underneath.  And while I haven't seen the pandemic seasons, from what I've heard, that was the straw that broke the camel's back and that's when his facade started to crack and we all started to see the truth.  

But that's the way, isn't it?  Trauma, struggle, hardship: those things do not allow a narcissist to hide anymore and their true selves come out because they can't handle the stress.  But if you notice something: Robin wasn't the one who changed.  Kody was.  Kody broke down and went a tad bit insane.  Mostly because of the fact his kids stopped listening to him, which means to him, they stopped respecting him.  And to a narcissist, respect is everything (as it's a form of control).  And this broke him.  And now he's forever broken and now there's no more Mr. Nice Dad.  He's chosen sides.  And the side he chose was the one who gave him the most amount of respect (meaning letting him control them) that he thought he deserved.  And now the line has been drawn, the gloves are off and he's in battle mode.  I mean, just listen to the things he says about his own children.  It's beyond fucked up.

And Robin isn't the "love of Kody's life" as Christine (wife #3) says.  This is nothing more than than being about obedient and Robin is obedient.  Kody has even said this and the show himself.  He's made a point of saying many times this season that Robin is "loyal and obedient", and if she wasn't, he'd give up on her, too.  Because that's the narcissistic way.  They are loyal to you, until you aren't loyal to them.  Then you're just as much of a piece of dirt as everyone else is.  

So beware Robin.  You are next on Kody's shit list if you step out of line the way the other wives did.  And your kids will be too, if they do the same.  Nobody is safe with narcissist.  Not even Robin or her children, despite what people think.

If you want a primer in true and real NPD, then you need to start watching this show from day one to the current season.  You'll see exactly what manipulation and all the other bullshit that goes along with this look like.  Narcissism is the coping mechanism of a sociopath.  There is no cure.  They were born this way.  And there is nothing you or anyone else can do to change them.  If it wasn't going to be Robin, it would have all happened anyway.  Just another wife would either be the scapegoat, or they all would be.  Kody was always going to fail as a husband and father.  They just all have someone to blame right now.  But maybe one day they'll see that maybe Robin was just an innocent bystander who just actually wanted a big family?  Or maybe I am wrong.  Not about Kody, but Robin, but I don't think I am.  But I need to watch more shows so I can get a better idea.  

But yeah.  Narcissists suck.  Especially when they are the father of like 20+ kids.  Ugh.  

I've not been updating here since my GERD has been out of control and I've not been able to eat too much for the past bit again.  It's better than it was back at the beginning of December when I had food poisoning, but it's still not fun.  And now my medication is causing my gums to itch and the only next thing is an endoscopy and surgery.  Which I am fine with, as long as they can do it asap.  So, I got a new gastro doctor and we're waiting to see what he says to do next.  Hopefully I can get scheduled for the endoscopy ASAP, if not, I will have to see if I can go somewhere out of town.  My town sucks for doctors, as all of ours retired and our state has one of the highest malpractice insurance rates in the country, so no new doctors are coming in.  We need to move (for many reasons).  

So, yeah, I've been too anxious to care about much else and on some days, my anxiety is so out of control that I feel like I am going insane.  Though I'm a bit better with that now, and hopefully it stays that way.  

My mother's dementia is getting worse, so her narcissism seems to be better.  But since I don't listen to her phone calls anymore, I really have no idea if that's true or not.  But then again, I don't care.  Also, I start back up with my therapist today, so I hope that goes well.  I don't really care for her, but we'll see if she's actually helpful with my anxiety.  I hope so.  

I am trying to drink an Ensure (Walgreens brand) and ugh.  Eating anything is hard from all the bloat and stomach burning, especially since I tried to drink it too fast.  I just want to get better and have all of this go away.  

Okay, that's it for now.  So much fun.  Yay.